Guidance On Divinity

Never Quit

2012-01-25T04:34:00.000-08:00

Shocking isn't it? Two posts in one month! This one is going to be brief, and mainly someone else's words rather than my own. I am often sent very profound words of wisdom from others, and this story I find particularly inspiring and uplifting. Unfortunately, I don't know the original author of the story, but my dad found it posted on the Sai Bhakti Radio website.

So often we find ourselves comparing our own accomplishments with others. We struggle to understand why 'bad' things happen to 'good' people, why success reaches some of us more easily than others, why we seem to fail even when we try our best. Maybe after reading this story, you can reflect on such moments, and remind yourself that those encounters you thought were bad things, failures, struggles, were not actually negative - they were opportunities for growing stronger.

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One day I decided to quit...quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality... I wanted to quit my life. I went to the woods to have one last talk with GOD. "GOD", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?" His answer surprised me... "Look around", GOD said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?" "Yes", I replied. When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water.

The fern quickly grew from the earth. It has brilliantly covered the floor green. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo." GOD said." In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit.In year four, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. I would not quit." GOD said. "Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth.

Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant...But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall. It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle." GOD said to me. "Did you know that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots?" "I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you." "Don't compare yourself to others." GOD said. "The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the forest beautiful." "Your time will come", GOD said to me. "You will rise high" "How high should I rise?" I asked. "How high will the bamboo rise?" GOD asked in return. "As high as it can?" I questioned. "Yes." GOD said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can." I left the forest and bring back this story.

The 'M' Word

2012-01-13T10:50:00.000-08:00

Most of you are already aware that in 30 days, I will officially have moved back home! Some time around October last year, I found myself elbow-deep in teaching, marking, and writing the first chapter of my thesis. I realised that if I wanted to finish this PhD by the end of my third year, I'd have to give up my other responsibilities. And so, it is with quite a heavy heart that I am packing my things, ending my teaching responsibilities, saying goodbye to all my friends and colleagues, and moving home to finish my thesis. But it's not all sad news - I've spent the last 2 and a half years drifting between Canada and England, never settled in one place for very long, and always missing my family. This will finally give me a chance to just be at home, without worrying about booking flights or when next I'll get to see my family and for how long. As my colleagues have already expressed to me, writing a PhD thesis can be an extremely depressing and frustrating time in one's life, and I can't think of a more uplifting, nurturing and blessed environment than my home to experience the trials and tribulations of writing up.

But aside from the thesis, I've also been thinking of something else which probably awaits me upon my return: the big M question. Because as Katrina Kaif's character says in Meri Brother Ki Dulhan (which was quite a cute Bollywood film by the way): After an Indian girl turns 25, the only question on everyone's mind is "when is she getting married?". I've witnessed so many of my girlfriends experience a similar onslaught of questioning after turning 25 (most even earlier). I've always managed to escape this because of my endless studies. If there is one thing that Indian people respect as much as the sanctity of marriage, it's education. But now that I'm coming to the end of my studies, and I've exhausted all further education options, and I'm moving back home, there will no doubt be a number of people asking 'so when are you getting married? are you seeing anyone? how old are you now? isn't it time to settle down?' ad infinitum, ad nauseam.

Truthfully, I have been thinking a lot about marriage lately. In the last 12 months, five of my colleagues have announced their engagements (none to each other, but I still think they need to check the water supply in our office). Most of my friends back home are either married, engaged or in serious relationships which will soon lead to engagement. And I'm probably one out of two or three un-wed female cousins left on both sides of my family. If all your friends, colleagues and relatives decided to dye their hair purple, I'm sure eventually, you would also consider a trip to the salon. So yes, marriage is something I've considered in my long-term plan. But I do have reservations. Because we live in a society where marriages fail almost as often as they succeed, and to me, that's a big problem.

In Canada, 4 out of 10 marriages end in divorce, whilst in the US, this statistic is much higher (in fact I'm almost certain that in the US, the divorce rate is more than 50%). Either way, that's a lot more married couples divorcing than our parents' or grandparents' generation. And yet, people are still getting married all the time! Even worse, it seems that few people articulate any concern that they might be part of the 40% or 50% of marriages ending in divorce. I don't even know who I might marry one day, and the thought of divorce is a frightening one. So I did a bit of research, to try and find out how you can raise your chances of having a successful marriage. And here's a top five list - the percentages in brackets reflect how much you reduce your risk of divorce by:

1) If you have a university education (13%)

2) If your annual income is more than US$50,000 (30%)

3) If you have strong religious beliefs (14%)

4) If your parents are happy in their marriage (14%)

5) If you marry AFTER the age of 25 (24%)

(Taken from 'The State of Our Unions' by Barbara Whitehead and David Popenoe)

I should probably clarify first off that these statistics are based on American data, so I'm being a bit presumptuous by applying them to my Canadian and British experiences. But perhaps we can all agree that regardless of the exact percentage, these five points are most likely all positively correlated with reduced risk of divorce in the western world. There is a lot to say about each of these factors, but what I find most interesting in this list are points 2 and 5. Generally speaking in the South Asian community, women who get married after the age of 25 and women who continue working and successfully earning money after they get married (and ESPECIALLY after they have children) are both seen as women who make 'poor life choices' also known as PLCs. But according to this data, getting married after 25 and ensuring that you are earning what I would consider a reasonable salary, cuts your risk of divorce in HALF (in fact slightly more than half if you're following the percentages closely).

But here's another problem with our dearest community: thinking that the women who aren't getting married by a certain 'desirable' age are somehow making an active choice not to. A good friend of mine and fellow Master's alumna who shares my age has spent the past two years fighting an uphill battle with her mother and other female relatives. Nearly every week, one of them calls her home, asking why she isn't married yet. What's worse, her own mother has told her that she's getting too old now to be picky, and just has to marry 'whatever comes along' or else soon enough, she will be facing a lifetime of permanent single status. Let me just clarify that my friend does want to get married, and is making every effort to find the 'right' person. She's joined Muslim dating sites, and met several potential partners, but she just hasn't found someone who appreciates her lovely personality the way they should. Because whilst South Asian girls raised in the west were taught to imbibe the qualities of a 'good Muslim/Hindu/Sikh/Catholic girl' they were also taught to be free thinking agents, to be strong, educated, independent and successful. And this perfectly describes my friend and most of my South Asian girlfriends: they are deeply religious and spiritual young women who are unashamedly smart and successful.

Why can't these women find suitable partners? Clearly, since there is such an endless pool of men to choose from, it HAS to be because the women are too picky! Yes, all this education has gone to their heads and now they think they're too good for so-and-so's son. No. That's not the problem. The problem is that the average South Asian woman today knows how to manage her home and her finances, whereas the average South Asian man can only do one of those things. We raised our girls to balance on this tightrope between traditional femininity and modern womanhood, but few have raised their boys in a similar fashion. Yes, we do have an endless pool of men who are smart and successful, but they lack the emotional toolkit and sense of modernity they require to really 'fit' with the women of today. Returning to my friend's situation, if she expresses a desire to keep her surname after marriage or return to work after having children, it doesn't matter how good of a Muslim she is, suddenly her behaviour is rendered inexcusable, or what most guys would call 'a turn-off'. And that's because at no point in these young men's lives did their parents teach them the importance of learning how to cook or how to express their feelings. They were raised with a very ill and narrowly defined version of what masculinity means. And when you threaten to take that away from them, they lack the emotional intelligence to deal with it. I also strongly believe that this is linked to the high levels of alcoholism amongst South Asian men - who often turn to a bottle because they are unable to fully express themselves otherwise. Again, this is a phenomenon that gets largely neglected because as South Asians, we are so terrified of admitting our faults to The Community.

But rather than consider the disparities in how we raise our boys and girls, the South Asian community finds it much easier to do what they've always done: blame the woman. And I can already envision the number of people reading this right now who completely disagree with my assessment, and who know of a number of handsome, educated, young South Asian men who are emotionally intelligent and as savvy in the workplace as they are in the home. Men who have been raised to respect women, respect their choices, and respect their equal right to the same opportunities as men.

In which case please feel free to forward their contact details so my single friends and I can investigate...

Resolution Three, or, Becoming Your Own Beholder

2011-12-31T03:58:00.000-08:00

I know, I know...this post is VERY delayed. And I'm sure those of you who are perceptive about when I post will have noticed my sneaky attempts to fake consistency by modifying the 'post date'. And to the less perceptive readers out there: no, unfortunately I do not have the power to go back in time and post on my blog from the past (though as far as superpowers go, I have to say that would be quite a lame one). I know I'm not fooling anyone, it's my slight OCD that needs to see that little (1) next to each month on the side of the main page.

So despite the publish date which reads December 31st, 2011, I would still like to wish you all a very happy new year! I hope you had a wonderful Christmas holiday with your loved ones. I thoroughly enjoyed my 2 weeks at home with my family. For new year's I flew back to London and met with some friends there. We brought in the new year on a boat in the middle of the Thames river, watching Big Ben strike midnight and the subsequent 15 minutes of fireworks (which apparently cost the city 4 million pounds!). The energy, the vibrance, the madness of it all was exhilarating and I felt impervious to any jet-lag that wanted to pull me down. Looking up at the sky and seeing endless fireworks literally shooting out of Big Ben and the London Eye was one of those magical and surreal moments where you think to yourself: 'I am going to remember this for the rest of my life'.

So now getting on to the more important 'stuff': resolution three. The third and final resolution I made for 2011 was a creative one (as you all know), but more specifically, it was a musical one: learn how to play the guitar. I've always admired people who can pick up a guitar and play a melody or strum the chords to a particular song. They make it look so easy and, like with running, it seems these days that everyone can pick out a song or two on the guitar (which made me think it can't be THAT hard to learn how to play). Serendipitously enough, a friend of mine gave me one of his old acoustic guitars last year which made me think it was the perfect time to start learning how to play.

The year started off successfully enough. I was self-teaching by watching lessons on YouTube and DVDs and picked up a few basic scales and strumming/picking techniques. Then for my mom's birthday in April, I sent her an audio clip of me playing Happy Birthday on the guitar (just picking out the melody though, not strumming chords). Even during the first half of the summer, I rented a guitar in Canada (my acoustic guitar here is in need of a case for travel) and I kept at it, learning more scales and a few simple songs. It all seemed to be going quite well, and I thought 'for sure by Christmas I'll be strumming carols for the family to sing along'.

But then it all went downhill. And funny enough, the descent started because of my first resolution, my Vipassana retreat. For 10 days I was without a guitar. When I returned from the retreat, I got so wrapped up in trying to meditate for 2 hours a day that somehow there just wasn't enough time in the day to do everything I wanted to, including practising guitar. Then I went to Miami with my parents for a week, and then to Vancouver for 10 days, and when I got back it was time to arrange for my departure to the UK again. And now I'm sitting here writing this post, looking at my poor Yamaha in the corner of the room, which I haven't picked up in months to play!

If I had to assess the success of my third resolution, I'd say I was 50% successful. I did spend the first half of the year practising quite regularly, and learning the basics, but I'm nowhere near the level of competence I expected by the year's end. Just because it's the end of the year, doesn't mean the resolution goes to waste. It's just something that will carry over and hopefully, with more time and practice, I will eventually get better (I really need to take formal lessons once I'm in a stable place though, because this self-learning really isn't working for me). I guess the more important question to ask is, have these resolutions proved that I am capable of taking on challenges, or, is my dad right - do I always look for the easy way out? Well I would have to say that 2.5 out of 3 is not a bad score at all, and if I had to rank how difficult each of my resolutions were to complete, I'd say that the two which I successfully completed were the most difficult (Vipassana first, running second).

That being said, I have wondered whether I would have created any of these resolutions at all, had I not been called out on my laziness in the first place. Which also makes me think that in many ways, having character flaws and acknowledging their existence in yourself, can often be of benefit to your development. Think about it: if I didn't in some small way agree with the idea that I avoid challenges, then I wouldn't have gone so far out of my way to prove otherwise. I would have been completely confident and ignored the comment. But instead, I rose to the challenge of taking on challenges (see what I did there?). Not to prove anything to my dad, but to prove to MYSELF that I am capable. And ultimately, no matter what other people say about you, what matters most is what you think of yourself, how happy you are with yourself. Don't confuse my words for selfishness. I'm not saying that you shouldn't think of others - I'm saying that you shouldn't look for affirmation from others, because you are your best judge.

People always say 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder'. Well I'm not so sure that's true. Aren't we all our own beholders, constantly surveying ourselves in addition to others? Then surely we must be able to see our own beauty (and our ugliness) too. In many ways I have a new found gratitude that a) I have flaws and, more importantly, b) I can recognise them in myself because that's what allows us to put in more effort, to strive to be better human beings. Without flaws, and without recognition of them, we are as immobile as a rock, and how boring would that be?Now it's a new year, and the perfect time to become your own beholder: what is your beauty? what is your ugliness? and what are YOU going to do about it?

Resolution Two

2011-11-30T08:19:00.000-08:00

Before I start writing about the 'topic of the month' for this post, I just wanted to make mention of a comment I received regarding my October post. Unless you are a logged in member of this blog, then you probably don't receive updates regarding comments, which normally isn't a real issue. In this case though, it's clear that I've disappointed a relative, and a reader with my words. I've already provided my thoughts in my reply, but the situation more generally-speaking, reminded me of how accountable our words become when they are written as opposed to verbal. I came across this very appropriate and encouraging piece of advice when it comes to writing:

'In order to write at all we must write on the basis of our present beliefs. If you are unwilling to write from the honest, though perhaps far from final, point of view that represents your present state, you may come to [the end of your life] with your contribution to the world still unmade and just as far from final conviction about the universe as you were at the age of twenty'.

There is something about the permanence of a written thought, that leads us to believe even the thought itself is permanent. The truth of the matter, as most of us are aware, is that nothing is permanent. I sometimes read old blog posts from my time in Leicester and cringe at my own writing, desperately wishing I could somehow take the words back and erase them from the minds of my readers. Clearly this is not possible. But when I read the above quote, I feel a sense of reassurance. My writing might never be perfect, but it comes from a place of truth and honesty in the moment it is written. When someone is struggling to think of the 'right' thing to say in a speech, the advice given is always the same: speak from the heart. The same is true of writing. I've never explicitly stated anywhere in my blog, that what I write comes from my heart, but this has always been the case.

When I was in grade 9, I took my very first and last physical education class. I hated gym. I was awful at sports, those long, baggy shorts hung from my waist like they would off a hanger, and worst of all, almost everything we did involved running. In fact come to think of it, aside from the terrible fashion, it wasn't really gym class that I hated. It was running. Three times in the year, once at the beginning, once in the middle, and once more at the end, we had to complete a 12 Minute Run. As the name suggests, we had to run for 12 minutes around the gym and were timed in order to gauge our abilities in relation to our personal best across the year but also in comparison to others. Not once out of those three attempts do I recall being able to run for 12 minutes straight without stopping to regain my breath.

For years I had convinced myself that I just wasn't a runner. I was one of those 'dancers' or yoga practitioners who was flexible and had good balance as opposed to someone who could run for ages without gasping for air. But then a couple of things happened last year which gave me pause. The first was a comment one of my family members made about how I always take the path of least resistance. It's been a bit of a running joke (no pun intended) in my family that when I want to do something, I always look for the way which requires the least effort. For instance, I was, am, and will always be terrible at math. So instead of choosing a degree in university which involved continuing math (like Business or Medicine), I went for Communications, knowing that I would avoid any and all encounters with mathematics (I should probably add that as convenient as it seems, I was genuinely interested in studying Communications, avoiding math was a bonus - look no further than the fact that I'm now doing a PhD for proof of this). Anyways, the point is that the joke is already out there so now whenever I do something that seems like a short cut (what I prefer to call being efficient), without fail, someone will take notice, and label it as being 'my way of doing things'.

Last year, I was in the car with my parents on the way to my cousin's home, and somehow the topic came up of 'things that bother us about each other'. Out of curiosity, I asked them 'what about me bugs you, that you complain about when I'm not around?' to which my father replied 'always finding the easy way out'. Ouch. It was one thing for this mentality of mine to be a family joke, but an entirely different thing to know that it is a possible character flaw. Usually, these kinds of comments don't tend to 'stick' with me for very long. But for some reason, I became obsessed with a) figuring out whether I truly do avoid challenges and b) proving otherwise by taking on more challenges. There began the development of my three new year's resolutions: goals that were only possible through 100% commitment and effort, goals that could not be made easier or simpler. I also wanted to cover a good range so that I could determine if I demonstrate a greater willingness to be challenged in some areas over others. I came up with three resolutions: spiritual, physical and creative (I figured mental/intellectual were covered with the PhD).

As you should all know by now, the spiritual goal was to attend a Vipassana retreat, which required a little push (from none other than my father) but was accomplished. However, the Vipassana was something I wanted to do for myself, so of course I was willing to put in the effort. The physical goal, I decided, had to be something I didn't like as much. And immediately, I knew the only thing it could be: to become a runner.

The second 'thing' that happened last year which pushed me into running was what I consider to be a resurgence in running culture. Everywhere I turn, I see people of all shapes and sizes running, at all hours of the day, in the city and in the suburbs. And suddenly, when I started talking about running, it turned out that most of my friends and acquaintances run too. For years, I've been surrounded by runners and had no idea about this secret society of high-stamina people. And they all talk about running as if it is a Godly experience which liberates them from the dull routine of their daily lives. At this point, I started to get a little excited about my resolution - 'Was it possible?' I asked myself, 'could I actually enjoy running?'.

After 11 months, I am happy to report that I am in fact, a runner. I can't run for very long - I start to break down at around 5 km, but I can easily run for 35 minutes to an hour without having to stop, and without feeling like my lungs are about to implode. And you know what else? I do love to run now. I completely understand what the runners are on about. It is such a liberating experience, to just run without any limits or controls, just put one foot in front of the other without worrying about anything else but that simple motion. You suddenly become in tune with this natural part of yourself that says ‘yes, this is what our bodies were designed for’. In many ways I wonder if I accidentally created two spiritual resolutions instead of one. Not only do I enjoy running, but I enjoy the challenge of running faster, or longer, or both! If I'm on a treadmill, I like to push myself each time to achieve a new personal best. I'm even looking forward to hopefully running in a 10K race or half-marathon next year if I have the time to train for one.

It’s kind of funny how people often think that you are at your athletic peak when you’re a teenager. When I think back to my grade 9 gym class, I am not struck by an image of a strong, athletic version of myself. Instead I think of a scrawny kid who lacked the motivation and confidence to push herself further. It’s not that I was physically incapable of running 12 minutes non-stop, the problem was that I gave up too easily. My mind had not reached its athletic peak. And after spending this past year developing my stamina and encouraging myself to run more, I’ve realized how powerful the mind can be at telling the body what it is capable of doing.

You might have come across a story in the news recently about a gentleman by the name of Fauja Singh. He is 100 years old and recently became the world’s oldest marathon runner. He started running at the age of 63, and ran his first marathon when he was 89. He is an inspiring reminder to all of us that you are never too old to start something new, and you should never give up on yourself or think that your athletic peak passed you sometime in your teenage years.

As for resolution three, and whether these resolutions have proven anything about my ability to take on challenges, it will have to wait for next month – I promise this story has an ending!

To be continued…

How many stones have you cast?

2011-10-31T10:43:00.000-07:00

For some reason a few people have mentioned that they want to hear my reflections regarding the death of my cousin, five weeks ago. I'm not really sure how to interpret this. Of course I am deeply saddened by Ravin's passing, as everyone who knew him feels in varying degrees. But I truly believe that grief is something which only becomes more tolerable over time - there is not much that I can say or do to magically heal someone's sadness. All that any of us can do in these situations is to offer our support to those who need it most.

I suppose, in terms of reflections, what has been on my mind since his passing are the many memories I have of Ravin. Some are silly, some are stupid, but the one that stands out most is when I heard that he was going to be a father. Sure I was happy for him, but what I remember most is my budding feminist voice, feeling so irritated by the entire situation. 'Of course they're all celebrating that Ravin now has a child out of wedlock' I thought to myself. I was angry because I knew that if the roles were reversed, and one of my unwed female cousins was having a baby, there would be no celebration - there would only be disappointment and shame. I feel terrible to admit this, but I judged Ravin for his actions, and I judged my male relatives (and let's face it: most men) in Trinidad who celebrated their sexual liberation and yet still labelled their female equivalents with degrading slangs. I knew that I could never remove the stigma from women, instead I wanted there to be an equal stigma for men. So I judged Ravin for his actions.

Obviously, I have major issues with the cultural, political and social inequalities women face in our society. But judging men in order to create stigma across both genders is not the solution (it's judgemental thinking that got us here in the first place). I knew this on a theoretical level already, but it was and in some cases still is difficult to put into practice. I do remember though, the moment I heard Ravin had died, all judgement was suddenly transformed into gratitude. I felt so grateful that at least, before Ravin left this earth, he was blessed with the gift of fatherhood. Whatever the circumstances in which it occurred, he shared so many precious moments with his son. And the gratitude I have is probably nowhere near the gratitude Ravin must have felt to be a father, and to see himself unmistakably reflected in his child (who apparently looks and acts exactly as Ravin did when he was a young boy).

A situation I once looked upon with such bitterness, I now see as God's grace. I am reminded of a very popular quote from the Bible: 'Let him who is without sin cast the first stone'. We are all guilty of casting judgements on others without first reflecting on our own flaws and misconduct. But in addition to that, we judge others without knowing what the Lord's plans are for that person. None of us know what karma we have come with from our past, or what is in store for us in the future. Why then, do we continue to place blame, guilt, and judgement on others? For me at least, Ravin's death has created an opportunity to reflect on my own judgements from the past, of the stones I have mistakenly cast on others. Perhaps there is an opportunity for you to reflect on your past judgements as well.

Rest In Peace Rav

Vipassana: Part Two

2011-09-30T04:23:00.000-07:00

So I think I covered quite thoroughly the basics of a Vipassana retreat in my July post - the code of conduct and the reason for Noble Silence. But as I also mentioned, these are not really the most important parts of the course - they are just practices which help one to develop the Vipassana meditation technique. By now you're probably wondering 'what exactly is Vipassana?'. Apparently, it was the type of meditation that the Buddha was practising when he reached enlightenment (I don't exactly have the space or time to tell the entire story of Buddha here, but if you aren't familiar with his life or teachings, I highly recommend doing some reading, even via online resources). Apparently, the Buddha went through all kinds of meditation techniques in India, in order to find one that would allow him to attain enlightenment. Finally, he sat under a Bodhi tree and vowed never to arise until he found the truth. Fourty-nine days later, at the age of 35, it was said that he became awakened to the truth (known in Buddhism as The Four Noble Truths) and was from that point onwards known as Buddha, which roughly translates to 'the enlightened one'.

Fortunately (or perhaps unfortunately), the Vipassana retreat doesn't supply Bodhi trees for each student to sit under for 49 days until we too become like Buddha. What we do learn however, is to simply observe our selves and our surroundings with equanimity. Having an equanimous mind means that you lack craving and aversion. Why is it important to be equanimous? To answer that I probably need to explain what the Four Noble Truths are:

1) suffering is an engrained part of existence

2) the origin of suffering is craving for sensuality, acquisition of identity and annihilation

3) suffering can be ended

4) following the Noble eightfold path is the means to accomplish this

I really don't want to also explain what the Noble eightfold path is (because they are quite basic teachings that stem from all religions, and also because this post isn't meant to be a lesson on Buddhism). My point is though, that if all suffering comes from craving (or being averse) to various experiences, then logically, it would make sense that by eliminating those cravings and aversions, you eliminate your suffering. Make sense so far?

So here's how you put it in to practise. All over the surface of the skin there are constant little bio-chemical reactions taking place. We sometimes feel these as itches or tingling sensations, muscular twitches, or sometimes it feels like maybe an insect is on us but when we look there's nothing. In Vipassana, they refer to these sensations as 'sankhaaras'. Throughout your life (and if you believe in reincarnation then you can add your past lives as well), we have moments where we react to things either positively or negatively. Vipassana meditators believe that all these reactions get stored in your mind as sankhaaras. Some of your reactions are very superficial, and they come and go quite quickly, think of ripples on water. But there are other moments in our lives where we carry these cravings or aversions with us for very long times, and we hold on to them forever (some people even believe that at the time of death, these very 'heavy' sankhaaras get taken with you to your next life and continue to cause misery and suffering). These type of sankhaaras are described as being like a deep line etched into a stone. When you sit quietly, and still both your mind and your body, sankhaaras slowly start to bubble up to the surface of the skin and manifest themselves in the form of sensations. Some of them (the 'lighter' sankhaaras) are subtle sensations while others can be quite gross, intense sensations (such as pins and needles). The idea is that when you feel these sensations arise, the reactive part of your mind will always want to pay attention to them, it will want you to either develop a craving for them or an aversion.

This is where equanimity comes into play. You have to teach your mind how to observe these sensations without reacting to them. If you feel an itch on the tip of your nose, don't scratch it, don't react to it. Just sit and observe it. If you feel a pain in your leg and you want to change your position, don't. Just sit and observe it. You have to remind yourself of the law of impermanence. Nothing in life is forever, nothing stays the same. Everything changes, or as they say in Paali: Anitchya. When you realise that whatever sensations you feel are bound to dissipate eventually, you can learn to accept them, and observe them, without reaction. This is how you get rid of your 'old stock' of sankhaaras. But again, you have to be careful that even this doesn't become a craving. It's very easy to sit for meditation and crave freedom from your sankhaaras. That's not the point though. The point is to become equanimous, so that you desire nothing, and you are averse to nothing.

Perhaps I sound like a crazy person. Even if you don't believe that your cravings and aversions are stored in your mind and bubble to the surface in the form of tingles and itches (and I don't blame you if you think this sounds like utter 'bull'), anyone who sits in one position for long enough, in silence and stillness, will eventually feel the kind of sensations I am talking about, and will desperately want to react to them. There were days towards the end of the retreat where I could feel subtle sensations throughout my entire body (and apparently these sensations are constantly there but our mind is too cluttered to even notice them). There were also days where I had such a severe pain through one of my legs that I thought would never go away, and it didn't. But I experienced some moments where even though I had the pain, my mind had become so equanimous that I knew the pain existed, and I could feel it, but it didn't matter to me, because I knew eventually it would pass. Anitchya.

I can feel the scepticism already and I haven't even posted this! Is all that I learned from these 10 days, and 100 hours of meditation, how to sit and detach from pain? Not at all. Because when you realise that physical suffering is impermanent, you begin to apply your equanimity to other non-physical situations in the 'real world'. It is so much easier to learn this lesson by feeling it physically, before you can learn to apply it to more abstract experiences and reactions. And I'm not in any way completely equanimous in every situation. I still find things upset me or hurt me - but the reaction is nowhere near what it used to be. I'll give you an example. About six weeks after the retreat, I went to Vancouver for my friend's wedding. The flight there was extremely turbulent (and it was quite late at night so the sky was pitch black). I am not a very confident flyer, and a flight that turbulent would normally have been grounds for some serious freaking out. But instead, I sat quietly in my seat, and I thought about my life, and I asked myself:

"Divya, in the unlikely event that this plane doesn't make it, would you be all right with your life ending now?"

And normally I would have expected a response like this:

"Of course not! There's so much more I want to do. I still need to finish my PhD, and I need to find a job, and I need to meet a nice person and get married, and I need to become enlightened" and so on and so on.

But instead, I felt so...so strangely fine with everything. And maybe I knew that the idea of a domestic, 5 hour flight crashing and killing everyone on board was so impossible that I made peace with a rare outcome, but the even stranger thing was that during all the turbulence, I actually fell asleep for the rest of the flight (and slept quite well oddly enough). Have I overcome my fear of flying because of Vipassana? Of course not. Turbulence is scary, and the idea of falling thousands of feet to your death or exploding in an airplane is something that nobody wants to happen to them. But I think the little pocket of peace I managed to find was more about accepting that life doesn't last forever, and that death isn't a demotion, it's a promotion - so why fear it? Yes there is grief, yes there are tears in those sad moments, but why do we develop aversions to them? If you're grieving, just observe your grief, don't react to it, don't try to fight it, just accept its impermanence. Anitchya.

Farewell Canada!

2011-08-31T16:44:00.000-07:00

So clearly, I haven't yet been able to write the follow-up on Vipassana since Miami (hey, what can I say? I've been busy). Five days after we returned from Miami, I flew out to Vancouver for my friend's wedding (had a wonderful time out there) and when I returned home, there was just enough time to finalise my departure to Leeds (which is happening in a couple of hours).

As you can imagine, this post is going to be very brief (and yes, a bit of a cop out - sorry). The past four months have been such a treat - I am immensely grateful for all the time I was able to spend with friends and family and all the travelling I managed to squeeze into the past month. Thank you for all the lovely dinners and sleepovers and visits - you know who you all are. And to those who unfortunately I did not see this summer, I'm still looking forward to our meeting at some point (perhaps Christmas?).

I can feel the routine and discipline which awaits me in Leeds (and can also assure you that I will make up for this small post next month!). But I welcome them both with open arms, because it's time to head back to school, time to return to my research with fresh eyes and renewed determination, time to start the end!

And so it begins...

Vipassana: The Basics

2011-07-30T20:42:00.000-07:00

It's officially been four weeks since I returned from my Vipassana meditation retreat. After putting off this post, I have forced myself to finally sit down and write about my experience, all the way from Miami, Florida! As a side note, my parents and I decided to run away for the week to get some beach-time in, and it's been lovely so far (more on my summer travel adventures another time).

In short the retreat was, quite easily, the best 'thing' I have ever done in my life. For ten days I was put through quite a mental/physical/spiritual challenge. But there is no greater feeling than that of overcoming challenges - and by the end of the retreat I was full of peace, harmony and happiness. So here's how it happened...

On the evening you arrive (which doesn't count as part of the 10 days, by the way), the centre explains the code of discipline you are expected to keep for the entire duration of the course. This is known as 'sila' which means 'moral conduct'. As I mentioned in my previous post, Vipassana is a Buddhist meditation technique. During the time of Buddha, the commonly spoken language was Paali - which is a sister language of Sanskrit (that's why some of the words have a similar sound and/or meaning as Sanskrit). Sila includes 8 precepts. They are:

to abstain from killing any being;
to abstain from stealing;
to abstain from all sexual activity;
to abstain from telling lies;
to abstain from all intoxicants.

to abstain from eating after midday;
to abstain from sensual entertainment and bodily decorations
to abstain from using high or luxurious beds.

The eight precepts are followed by all students who attend the course (meaning new students who are attending for the first time, as well as old students who have previously attended other 10 day courses). However there is a slight difference for the sixth precept. All new students are allowed to have some fruit and tea with milk after midday (this is served around 5 in the evening) while old students are only allowed tea without milk. Trust me when I say that the fruit doesn't really make much of a difference. Our days started at 4 in the morning, and ended around 9:30 pm. Ten of those waking hours are spent in meditation each day, with small breaks in between for breakfast, lunch, time for showering, interviews with the assistant teachers (if you have questions) etc. Even though technically, you shouldn't require much food since you aren't really moving around, I found myself on many nights quite hungry, and learned early in the course to eat as big a lunch as possible. Another note about the food is that despite the lack of dinner, the rest of the meals were absolutely delicious. Everything was vegetarian, but extremely tasty, freshly prepared and healthy. Most of the lunches were Indian dishes like dhaals and curries served with rice. There was always a salad bar with such a variety of options and even desserts on most days. The kitchen staff go out of their way to accommodate all kinds of dietary restrictions and allergies - the food is cooked with so much love and selflessness that on some days I nearly started crying after a single bite (it may also have been the sheer joy of eating that I came to appreciate so much). The lengths that the volunteers will go purely in the service of others is truly inspiring and uplifting - especially when you're going through your own personal struggles during the course!

The question I've been asked most often since returning from the course is: Wasn't it hard not talking for ten days? The answer is always the same. No. Not talking for ten days is easy. Ten days of Noble Silence on the other hand, is very hard. Noble Silence means no talking, no gesturing to others, no eye contact, no smiling, no laughing, no exercising, no reading, no writing, no singing, no dancing, no physical contact with others, no praying, no music, no TV, no phones, no computers. You truly realise how alone you are in this world when you are forced to dis-connect from everything that you think is part of your identity. Even something as simple as not wearing your make-up or the jewelery you normally do can really deepen whatever vulnerabilities or insecurities you may already have. On the plus side, I actually learned to enjoy not having to follow my usual 'getting dressed' routine for ten days (and it was also nice to not interact with any males for 10 days as the course is completely segregated!). The other point I wanted to clarify was that although the retreats are often referred to as Noble Silence retreats, this is not really the main goal or purpose of the course. The Noble Silence is, like Sila, part of the foundation for successfully acquiring the Vipassana meditation technique. In order to fully understand how the technique works and to maximize its benefits over the ten days, you first need to be in complete isolation - this is what Noble Silence allows you to do. If you really want to go deep into your mind, deep into your unconscious mind (which I learned is actually the most conscious part of your mind), then you need to work in isolation, you need to dissolve your ego, even just a little bit, to gain better focus and concentration. For ten days you live like a monk or a nun - you accept what food you are given, you wear modest and simple clothing, and you live off the charity of others (which is why there is no cost to attend a Vipassana course - you can offer a donation to assist future students, but they do not charge any fees to attend).

Unfortunately I'm going to hit the pause button for a few days - mainly because it's getting late and tomorrow morning we are headed to Marco Island. But also because this post would get quite long if I tried to cover everything. What I've attempted to do so far is briefly explain the 'superficial' elements of the course, and next time, I will do my best to describe in more detail, exactly what Vipassana meditation is, and some of my personal experiences. Maybe what I've written up to this point makes it sound like a horrible, torturous experience - I felt that way during the first couple days of the retreat as well. But I promise that the 'good stuff' is coming up, just as it did towards the end of my course. Hope you have all had a wonderful July - stay tuned for part two in August!

Resolution One

2011-06-21T07:40:00.001-07:00

Back in January, I made three resolutions for 2011. Usually I am quite open about my goals and intentions and I share them with my friends and family. One morning though, as part of my breakfast routine, I was watching a TED talk by Derek Sivers (it's only 3 minutes long and worth a watch). He explains why our goals should be kept secret based on some very compelling research. Essentially, when you articulate your goals to others, a part of your brain is tricked into thinking that you're closer to achieving that goal, which makes you less likely to take the necessary steps towards making it happen. With this in mind, I have decided to keep my resolutions to myself until they become a reality. But as of tomorrow, I will have begun my 10 day journey towards fulfilling resolution number 1, and thought it was about time I shared it with you all (also, if I don't write something today, I'll miss my June post!).

Resolution Number 1: Attend a Vipassana sitting

For a few years now, I've wanted to attend a Vipassana Noble Silence retreat. For some reason, it has never materialised for me - either due to work commitments or a wedding or some other obstacle. This summer though, it seemed that everything aligned to allow me the time (and courage!) to register for a course. What is Vipassana? It is one of India's most ancient meditation techniques, which was rediscovered by the Buddha over 2500 years ago. The word Vipassana means seeing things as they really are. This is done through a process of self-purification by self-observation. All over the world there are Vipassana centres which offer 10-day silence retreats throughout the year. I'll be attending the centre in Egbert, Ontario from June 22nd until July 3rd.

Some of the few friends and family I have told about my plans were a bit confused as to why a relatively quiet person like myself would need or want to be in noble silence for 10 days. Noble silence is not limited to vocal silence, but silence of the mind and the body. Maybe I'm not a big talker, but I'm almost always engaged in some kind of 'noise' be it watching TV, listening to music, reading a book or writing (case in point). By detaching from all of these distractions, we allow ourselves to experience the universal truths of impermanence, suffering and egolessness. This truth-realisation by direct experience is the process of purification which is meant to occur during the course.

I have never written a single lie or false-truth on this blog, so I won't start now. Of course I feel anxiety about going. Ever since I registered for the course back in February, I've been contemplating whether or not I am ready for such extreme discipline and detachment. It will probably be one of the most challenging experiences of my life. But since Swami's physical passing, His omnipresence is even clearer to me now than it was before, and whatever little doubt or anxiety I may feel bears no comparison to the magnanimous voice within me which is shouting: go! go! go!

While I'm away, I know there will be many special occasions and events I will be missing. Celebrations of new life and birthdays, long-weekend festivities, rehearsals and deadlines - and I apologise in advance for my *physical* absence during this time. You will certainly be in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending you all my love and well wishes for the rest of the month! Wish me luck, and I'll definitely post a follow-up when I return in July.

The power of voice

2011-05-31T14:21:00.000-07:00

This post is unfortunately going to be somewhat brief, as I'm under a tight deadline. But I simply could not let a month pass without having posted. I've been back in Canada for almost a month now, and it feels unbelievably reassuring to come home. At a time when we are feeling such a sense of loss, there is also a tremendous sense of gratitude for all that we have been blessed with. I have also been thinking about those who are not as blessed as we are. Swami constantly emphasised the necessity of seva (selfless service) as an essential part of living a righteous and divine life. Lately though, I have been so caught up in my own work and my life, that I've neglected to reflect on how I can contribute to improving the lives of others.

I may not have unlimited funds (or more specifically, any funds) to invest in a worthy cause, but I do have my voice. Maybe on its own my voice doesn't carry very far, but I do believe that together, our voices can often stretch far beyond the power of money. So I'm putting that voice to good use, and devoting some of my time to amassing as large a collection of voices as possible, for a cause that I am extremely passionate about. It's quite clear to anyone who talks to me, or who reads my writing, that I care a great deal about our girls and our women of the world. I want us to realise our greatest potential, to break every glass ceiling, to rise above the subordination that our media, and our governments attempt to encase us in. And every day, incredible strides are made in the right direction which give me hope that the world is improving.

Unfortunately, for every one good thing that I do hear about, there are five atrocities, downfalls, losses, and disappointments that make me think we are getting nowhere. One of those is the Mukhtaran Mai case. Nine years ago, Mai, a Pakistani seamstress from a small village, was gang raped by four men, on orders from the village counsel. According to tradition, Mai was expected to commit suicide. Instead she has spent the last nine years fighting for justice through the court system. Since initially charging four men with rape and two with abetment back in 2002, the Pakistan Supreme Court recently reversed these charges on April 21st, 2011, released five of the six men, whilst the sixth was sentenced to life imprisonment. Mai and her family now fear for their lives and their safety.

Frustrated and outraged by the decision of the Pakistan Supreme Court, myself along with two colleagues decided to create an online petition in support of Mai's case. We have been in contact with her attorney, who has also filed four review petitions to appeal the verdict (if anyone would like to read a copy I am happy to e-mail it to you). It is our hope that through a demonstration of global support for this courageous woman, we can have a positive impact on her case, and more importantly, send a clear message that every voice, and every woman matters. If we want there to be improvements in the way women are treated, we need to stand up together, and support one another, regardless of whether we live across the street from each other, or across the globe.

Below is a link to the petition. I kindly request that you visit the site, read the full statement for all the facts and information on Mai's case, sign your name, and most importantly, pass the link on to your friends, family and colleagues. If you are skeptical as to the effectiveness of online campaigning, I urge you to conduct a quick search for yourself, which will provide you with a number of cases where online petitions have been successful (and after you're done, please visit and sign our petition!).

http://signon.org/sign/bring-justice-to-mukhtaran

Embodiments of Love!

2011-04-23T01:25:00.000-07:00

Preface (written on April 24th, 2011):

Less than 24 hours ago, I wrote and posted the following entry. This was during the time when Sai Baba was in a critical state of health. As we know now, early this morning, on Easter Sunday, Swami passed away. I don't want to change anything I have written below, because it still remains true, though asking for His immediate and full recovery as I have done, is clearly no longer possible.

Swami always said, 'My Life is my Message'. Though His life as this avatar has ended, let His message live on forever, and let us continue to follow His teachings, and to raise our children, and our children's children with the same love, compassion and divine guidance we have been blessed with in this lifetime.

*********

When I was about 12 years old, my parents took my sister and me to India for the very first time. We went on a spiritual pilgrimage to Prashanti Nilayam, the ashram where Bhagawan Sri Satya Sai Baba resides. Some of you might be asking, who is Sai Baba?

'I am God. And you too are God. The only difference between you and Me is that while I am aware of it, you are completely unaware'

This is His response when asked about His identity. Providing an entire summary of His life and mission would be an entry on its own and not the intention here (especially since most of my readers already know about/are devotees of Swami). But for further reading, I highly recommend the Sai Radio website, which provides a truthful explanation. My purpose is not to try and convince or instill belief in those who do not believe, but to merely express my own experiences and devotion.

Up until my visit to Prashanti, Swami's presence in my life was only in the form of pictures, prayers, bhajans (spiritual singing) and stories I was told by others about Him. Every Saturday morning, we would have our Bal Vikas classes with the other children. Bal Vikas means the blossoming of a bud into a flower - and so too we blossomed through spiritual education. We would learn about epic stories such as the Ramayana and Mahabharata, practice singing bhajans, and mould our bodies into various asanas during yoga class (not all at the same time of course!). Most importantly though, we were taught the importance of Swami's five-fold path for leading a meaningful life: Satya (Truth), Dharma (Righteousness), Shanti (Peace), Prema (Love), and Ahimsa (Non-Violence). Adherence to these five principles in all aspects of our life would keep us on the right spiritual path. One of the most beautiful aspects of Swami's teachings is that they are applicable to all faiths and religions. His aim is 'not to disturb or destroy any faith, but to confirm each in his own faith, so that the Christian becomes a better Christian, the Muslim a better Muslim and the Hindu a better Hindu'. I prayed to Swami every night, thanks to my parents’ reminders, and tried to embrace the five-fold path to the best of my abilities.

But suddenly I found myself at the tender age of 12, implanted into the birthplace of all my spiritual education. Before this, Swami had come into my world. Now, I had come into Swami’s world and something felt radically different. On the first day we went for darshan (blessings from Swami) we sat amongst the hundreds of devotees in the darshan hall, patiently waiting to see Swami walk past us. We were so many rows behind His path (everyone draws numbers in order to determine the seating) but you could not miss Him in His bright orange robe. Suddenly this being who I had only seen in pictures and videos, this being who I had prayed to every night, whom I sang the praises of in bhajans, was walking only a few metres in front of me. Tears were falling from my eyes, and I was overcome with a deep love for Swami that I suppose was hiding inside me for many years.

On one of the days as we lined up, waiting for our turn to pull a number for darshan seating, someone in my family (perhaps my mum or one of my aunts who had come with us) had pulled out either a number 1 or 2 (the details are foggy). This was very exciting – finally one of us would have the opportunity to sit so close that we could maybe speak with Swami or bow to His feet, with His permission. Through the generosity of my family, they let me take the number and sit at the very front. They passed me several letters we had been taking with us every day, from other family members, hoping that Swami would collect them personally from my hands. My heart was racing, and a thousand thoughts were going through my mind: What if He asks me something? What if I can’t understand Him? What if He lets me ask a question? What do you ask God? And so on and so on.

Then Swami appeared and began to walk on His usual path. Once I saw Him, all the thinking stopped. He slowly walked past us, with His right hand lifted, showering His divine blessings upon us. My hand was stretched out with the letters, just like the hands of those beside me, and my focus was on His face –trying to take in this moment of closeness that I may never experience again. He looked at me, with an endearing gaze, His dark eyes filled with pure love, and a slight smile. My eyes brimming with tears, my mind completely empty, I could think of nothing to say. He continued walking along, and the letters remained in my hand. I will never forget that moment, because it reminds me so much of the way my mother looks when she is immensely proud of me. The literal translation of Sai is mother, and it was that brief moment, a moment that could not have lasted more than two or three seconds, in which I most clearly understood the meaning of His name, Sai.

This is the only story I have to tell of my experience with Swami. I don’t have dreams about Him, He has not spoken to me, He has not materialized anything for me. But I don’t really need anything else to know that every cell of my body, every inhalation and exhalation, every word I speak, is one with Swami. When I pray, I do not pray to Him, but I pray in salutation to the oneness of our divine beings. When I feel lost or frustrated, I say to myself ‘Swami, I surrender everything to you, do as you wish’ and I find solace in my unwavering faith that He knows what He is doing.

But this month, that faith has definitely been tested. On March 28th, Swami was hospitalized and continues to be in a critical state of health. All over the world, millions of his devotees have been praying for His physical well-being. We are all puzzled as to why He has chosen to suffer in this way, what is the meaning and intention behind His condition? For the first time in a long time, I find myself praying to Swami, asking Him to please, get better. I feel a depth of sadness and grief that I’ve not felt before. Even writing this entry has been a long process, filled with many tears. In my mind, I know that we shouldn’t be so attached to forms, and I know that Swami’s existence is beyond His form. But in my heart, when I close my eyes, I still see the image of Him smiling down at that 12 year old girl, and part of me is unable to detach. I know many of you reading have probably been feeling the same way over the past month, and I’ve been reading about the many prayers and bhajans that have taken place for Swami, longing to be with you all during this very difficult time.

If one thing has become clear, it is the pure, all-encompassing love that we share for Bhagawan. Let us channel that love in our prayers for His immediate and full recovery.

Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti (Let peace prevail everywhere)

Sai Ram

This is my final answer

2011-03-26T17:10:00.000-07:00

Kids put their parents through a lot of grief. Trust me, I’m speaking from nearly 26 years of lived experience. I’m also quite certain though, that my parents (as is the case with most parents) are very proud of my achievements – I know this to be true especially with regards to my education. You know that you must have done something right if your kid pursues higher education, and not only because you forced them to, but because they actually enjoy it. And I’m sure when they meet new people, or re-connect with relatives, that it’s equally satisfying to say ‘my daughter is doing her PhD’. But I also know for my parents in particular, that every time this exchange takes place, there’s a bitter anxiety attached to it, a painful foresight of what they know inevitably follows:

[Person]: ‘Oh really, a PhD in what?’

[Parents]: ‘Media and Communications’

[Person]: ‘So she’s going to be on television then?’ or ‘So she’s going to work for one of those big media companies?’

***

I don’t expect everyone to know everything about the multitude of disciplines out there. I certainly don’t, but I think for most disciplines, it’s relatively easy to ascertain the general point. Geology, Classics, Anthropology, even Molecular Biology are some examples of subjects that aren’t often questioned or mis-understood to the same extent as a field like Media. Once and for all, I’m going to attempt to dis-spell some of the myths around what exactly I teach and study (though let’s face it, we all know I will have to do this more than once...a sentiment my poor parents know only too well).

Let’s start with the basics. Media and Communications fall under the general umbrella of Social Sciences, which means we are cousins of Sociology, Psychology, Cultural Studies, Political Science, etc. In fact, we are known as an ‘interdisciplinary’ field because we borrow from so many other areas of Social Sciences and use them as a theoretical base for our own research objectives. So if that’s the case, you’re probably wondering why we even need to exist as a discipline, if we have no theoretical foundations of our own. It’s because we apply all of these theories to study the way societies communicate with one another. It’s called Communications because, very simply put, we’re interested in how people communicate with each other. How does media fit into this? Our communication is very much mediated by...media! Whether it’s speaking through the phone, sending an e-mail, or even writing a book, we can consider all of these as examples of mediated communication.

Moving on to the more complex parts. Communication is an extremely broad idea because there are so many different forms: sure there is one-to-one, but there is also one-to-many and many-to-many. One-to-many communication is probably the way we most often think and talk about ‘The Media’ to encompass television, advertising, magazines, the news, radio, etc. Our job as Communications scholars is to look at some of the complexities that arise from these various forms of communication – and to investigate, analyse and evaluate why they exist, where they came from, and how society is responding to these tensions. Some of us (like me) are interested in issues around representation: why do the media represent different groups of people in such narrow and stereotyped ways? Many of my colleagues ask this type of question in relation to journalism and the news. So yes, we do study the news, we do study journalistic techniques. But it’s not so that we can go into the world and become journalists. It’s because we see an inherent problem with the way the news is constructed, and we wish to unravel what those problems are, and how we resolve them. So to answer the above question posed by so many, no – I have no intention of being on television. Ever.

I like to think of Communications as the study of power. Globally, more than 90% of the media market can be traced back to these major corporations: Disney, CBS, Time Warner, News Corp, Bertelsmann AG, Viacom and General Electric. The majority of these companies are a) American and b) owned by old white guys. Now that really says something about the kind of media content we are exposed to, and how limited and antidemocratic the division of power is when it comes to media ownership. Karl Marx was one of the first major thinkers to really breakdown how the labour market works, and how mass population is controlled by a small elite. He theorised that there were certain structures in society that perpetuated the elite’s control over the masses, such as religion, the education system, and (you guessed it) the media. If you have money, you have power, and if you have power, you control the content, and the access to that content. So to answer the other popular question posed by many, no – I have no intention of working for a large media conglomerate. Ever.

I should probably pause here for a moment to say that this is only one side of a very longstanding debate in our field between the political economy perspective (those who think like Marx) and the cultural studies perspective. These are people who, rather than see the population as a large mass that simply follow what the elite tells them to do, see the population as diverse and creative. Political economists will argue that the market produces a product like jeans, and sells it to the masses as a standardised good. Cultural studies scholars will argue that while this might be true, people take those jeans and individualise them: they tear them, dye them, cut them, roll them up, and in a way, have their own productive power as consumers to go against what the elite want them to do. I’m using a very basic example, but you can see how this might apply to other cultural products like cell phones, YouTube, and so on. Even within this debate, I still think it boils down to power, in terms of who has it, and who doesn’t (and how far we can stretch the definition of power). Yes, we can and do tear our jeans, but look at what the market does: it immediately responds and starts mass-producing torn jeans as a standardised good. That’s the way the market operates...and it’s very difficult to circumvent (we’re all crossing our fingers about the internet revolutionising things though).

Media and Communications has this reputation of being a ‘soft subject’. The students in our undergraduate programme often get teased by other students, claiming that all they do is watch television, films and advertisements. This is partly true. We do study a lot of popular culture, because it’s our job to know what is popular, and to analyse why certain camera angles were used, what company produced and distributed these products, what kind of stereotypes are being employed, and how audiences may react to them. Our media climate provides a very distorted mirror of our lives, and I think it’s imperative that we understand how the media functions and how people adapt to it as a way to protect ourselves from thinking that it’s a perfect reflection of reality. If you really want to understand the world we live in today, it’s probably a good idea for you to figure out what people enjoy doing, what amuses them, what they choose to do in their free time. Studies have shown that entertainment and play have a huge impact on our political beliefs, our health, and in general our lives, and I’m often puzzled by the idea that many people out there, still see what we do as a bit of a cop-out.

If you’re already tired of reading, let me just say that I’ve barely scratched the surface in attempting to explain an entire field of study. But I am hoping that it gives you a better idea of what it means to be in Media and Communications (and what it doesn’t mean!). And to all the parents out there who support their kids studying the most obscure subjects, who have calmly recited their response over and over again to people who walk away from the conversation just as naive as when they started it, thank you. You’re the best parents. Ever.

Let's make a promise

2011-02-25T04:15:00.000-08:00

This is hard for me to admit, but growing up I used to have some major issues with my appearance. My sister and I were obsessed with Bollywood, we read the magazines, watched the movies, and yes, even had posters with our favourite actors on our walls. But the exposure to flawless beauty after flawless beauty took its toll. Bollywood actresses were nowhere near as diverse in appearance as they are today (or at least on camera it looked that way). They had perfectly smooth and fair skin, straight and narrow noses, and thin faces with high cheekbones (and I haven't even mentioned their voluptuous figures). They were angelic and desirable women, and I completely bought into the industry of striving to be like them.

But learning classical Indian dance, taking Hindi lessons, and studying drama in high school can only take you so far in your childhood dreams to emulate your favourite Bollywood actresses (and as a side note, despite my original intention in undertaking all of these activities, they later proved to be of real value in developing my interests in Indian culture, the study of languages, and public speaking, so it wasn't entirely a lost cause). Back to my point...for several years I even thought about how something as extreme as plastic surgery could bring me closer to my idols. A new face and some bigger breasts were all that was keeping me from realising my dreams. Wow.

Fast forward to over 10 years later, and I can't believe that any version of myself was so insecure with her appearance that she would even contemplate the idea of surgical alteration. But today, this would sound like a completely normal sentiment for any teenage girl to feel. In a 2005 UK study, nearly half of all teenage girls surveyed said they had considered plastic surgery, and in a wider study, it was reported that most British women expected to have plastic surgery in their lifetime. How is it possible that in a time where healthy living, acceptance of one's being, and 'natural beauty' are being heralded as key to one's overall happiness, that we have seen rates of plastic surgery skyrocket, and women feeling ever more pressure to go under the knife?

I am so frustrated and disheartened by what I see happening to our girls today. They are sent such conflicting messages about embracing themselves, just as they are, while at the same time being expected to conform to strict and impossible standards of beauty. And are we really providing healthy and positive examples for them to live by? The other day I saw a reality show called Bridalplasty where women vie for plastic surgeries in order to look 'perfect' on their wedding day (and to also win a budget-less, dream wedding...I'll save my issues with that for another day). I wonder how they will explain to their daughters why they don't look a thing like mommy.

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not trying to devow all plastic surgery. There is a real need for surgical intervention in the cases of burn victims, facial disfigurements, and even women who require breast reductions. I can see the justifications in these cases and potentially others. But for general cosmetic purposes, who is it that we are not good enough for, that we must change our appearance to such an extent? I would say perhaps it is ourselves that we hold to such unattainable standards, and not just with regards to our appearance, but with regards to most things we do in our lives. I don't have the time, space or knowledge to provide a complete guide on letting go of this strive for perfection, but Sally Kempton (thanks Dad) has a very helpful and thorough article about Making Peace with Perfection which is worth reading if you fall into this 'perfectionist' category.

I don't know the exact year or age when I stopped caring so much about looking like a Bollywood star, but I would chalk it up to two shifts. The first was that I began investing my time with other activities like dance, music, and the increasing workload from school. These became of greater value to me than (and took time away from) watching excess amounts of Bollywood films. Once I realised that there was more value in the development of myself (rather than my looks), obsessing over my appearance and constantly comparing myself to others suddenly became of less importance. And the funny thing about letting go of those insecurities, is that you begin to actually cherish the very features you once thought of as flaws. The second shift, is more of a cultural one, in the sense that Bollywood as an industry, has really embraced 'difference'. Actresses now are nowhere near as conventionally attractive as they were 10-15 years ago, and the definitions of beauty are rapidly expanding (though they still have a ways to go, and new issues have cropped up, like the hyper-sexualisation of these women...again, to be saved for another post).

The other day I was talking to some friends about the issue of plastic surgery, and one of them said to me: 'Dee, you are beautiful just as you are. Promise me you will never get plastic surgery, ok?' (I still get choked up thinking about it). I would like to reflect this very statement to everyone reading right now. Let's all make a collective promise to see ourselves as beautiful, and to never contradict that beauty by undergoing plastic surgery.

You are beautiful just as you are. Promise me, you will never get plastic surgery, ok?

An Ode to Books

2011-01-25T02:37:00.000-08:00

I love books. I love the way they feel in your hands, the way the weight of pages from your right hand to left gradually changes the closer you get to the end. I love folding down the top or bottom corner of the last page I've read before it's time to retire the book for the day. I love lying in bed, so enamoured with a story that I continue to make false promises to myself: 'after this chapter, I'll go to sleep'. I love the thought of one day having an entire wall in my office or home, covered from top to bottom with all the books I've read and yet to read: my biography of reading - on display. Every book contains such a unique story, never to be read again elsewhere, that in many ways they remind me of people. We are all made up of the same basic elements, but somehow we end up so vastly different from one another - what a peculiar thing indeed!

And just when you have forgotten that deep love you once felt, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that can re-kindle those feelings the way a magnificent story can. Just like the book I finished last night - The Life of Pi. But there was something different this time, a self-betrayal that is causing me enormous guilt. I've done the unthinkable, the thing I thought I could never do - I've read an entire book on my iphone...

I know that sometimes I can come across as a bit of a luddite or technophobe. I do at times, express a certain amount of hesitation to adopt new technologies, and I have fears of the new generations losing their ability to make true, human connections with one another as a result of their engagement and occupation with technology. But with time, I do eventually come around and I often see the benefit and value in the latest gadgets and devices. With my iphone for instance, I never thought I would own one, but now that I do, I have a sense of gratitude for its utility and efficiency. Nevertheless, I still impose my own personal restrictions on what I will never use it for, and reading was one of those restrictions.

I get it. We are a society that values instant, compact, efficient information. You could never carry 5 or 6 books in your bag with you, the same way you could carry one of those tablet pc's or Kindle's. And maybe I'm just being old-fashioned or irrational about this, but every time I see one of those adverts where a child is cuddled into bed, reading a bed-time story off one of those Kindle screens, it makes me cringe. My hypothetical wall lined with books is slowly being replaced by a single device. The love I have for gripping hundreds of pages together, will be replaced by the sensation of cold metal and plastic (and whatever else they fashion these gadgets out of). I recently read that the music retailer, HMV is closing 60 stores in the UK, due to low sales. Nobody wants to buy music any more, and I thought to myself, 'will books be next?'.

So I guess the question on everyone's mind is: why did you do it? If I'm so against the extinction of the book as we know it, why would I read one off of my iphone? Well let me preface this by explaining that when you're a student, you will go to some desperate lengths to save even the slightest amount of money (there is a story involving the rationing of toilet paper during my MA that I am not proud of). So you can imagine what the word 'free' means to students. With all the money I've spent on buying academic texts, it was a refreshing treat to get this free fiction novel from the generous people at iBooks. And when I am no longer a penny-pinching student, I will buy myself a hardcopy of The Life of Pi for my wall of books (if people still build book shelves by then).

But this has all been a very long aside, for a post that was meant to be about the wonderful story upon which I can't stop reflecting. The Life of Pi, by Yann Martel is, on the surface, a fictional story about an Indian boy, Pi Patel, who gets lost at sea for 227 days. The story however, contains a much deeper significance and value than its basic plot. On one level, it tells the more universal story of the transition from childhood to adulthood - and the various obstacles we face along the way. For Pi, it might have been surviving on a lifeboat with a Bengal tiger, for others, probably less life-threatening but just as challenging and frightening to deal with as an adolescent.

What I truly love about this story though, is the religious and spiritual undertones that it takes on. Despite the story being fictional (and even within this fictional story, other characters also fail to accept Pi's stories as truth), Pi makes the astute observation that, just like with religious mythology and scripture, it doesn't matter whether the story is real or not, what matters is that it confirms your faith in God. Does it make a difference whether the stories of Jesus, Mohammad or Raama were true or fiction so long as they have taught us valuable lessons about life and more importantly, about faith? Asking for your belief in the story, is essentially asking for your belief in the Almighty. It shouldn't matter which stories you know or don't know, what matters most is that just like Pi, when you surrender your entire being to God, when all doubt is lost, and there is nothing left but a single and united divine source, that is the moment when you not only believe in God, but believe in yourself.

Switzerland!

2010-12-19T14:54:00.000-08:00

If you want to go to a place where you can get spoiled beyond belief, to a place where you can sample the most delicious and beautifully-prepared food, relax in luxurious spas and take in picturesque views of mountains kissed with snow, then go to Switzerland.

My flatmate Kheira did her Master's in Geneva, and invited me along for a trip there to visit some old friends and escape from the stress of our PhDs (more on that another time...). The first week of December we took six days off and pampered ourselves silly in Montreux - a lakeside city at the foot of the Swiss Alps. There we stayed for three and a half days...well the reality was that even if we wanted to leave, we couldn't because of the snow. The day we arrived in Montreux, it had been snowing heavily. Roads were closed, even the trains had stopped for several hours. The beautiful mountain views I had been dying to see were shadowed by a blanket of fog and snow for the first twenty-four hours of our stay. So we did the next best thing - we booked ourselves some appointments in the hotel's spa and spent some time walking along Lake Geneva. Even in the blizzard conditions, walking along the Swiss Riviera was an absolute joy! The outlines of mountains were barely visible across the lake, but strolling along the water, in the stillness that only snow can bring was such a peaceful feeling.

The following day we had better conditions and were able to do some sight-seeing in Montreux. One of the advantages of travelling in Europe during this time of year is the Christmas Market. Most countries have some type of open market with kiosks and vendors selling all sorts of Christmas goodies. The market in Montreux was set up right along the water, and aromas of roasted chestnuts, mulled wine and fondue filled the air. Of course, I made sure to sample some of everything! Switzerland is famous for their cheese fondue. They specialise in a particular type of cheese called Gruyère – named after the city. Unfortunately, I’m not a big fan of Gruyère because it’s quite aged and sharp (and stinky). But Kheira took me to the best fondue restaurant in Montreux to try ‘moitié moitié’ (which means half/half, as in half Gruyère mixed with half of some milder Swiss cheese) and it was delicious! I must say that in general, I had some of the most exquisite food I’ve ever eaten. Every meal was cooked to perfection, and the combination of flavours was so inventive, and yet really palatable. One of the desserts that I will never forget was a dark chocolate lava cake served with passionfruit coulis – I was so in love with this dish that I took a picture of it!

As the snow and clouds started to disappear and the sun came out, we decided to head to the famous Chateau Chillon – an historic castle. It felt like we owned the place because it was absolutely empty inside! I guess with all the snow, most people had the good sense to stay indoors. It did end up being to our benefit, as we avoided lines and wandered the castle freely. I managed to get some picture-perfect moments of the castle with the sparkling water and mountains in the background...I wish everyone could experience such an enchanting view first hand.

On Friday we left Montreux and headed for Geneva – which is about an hour away by train. And again, upon our arrival to Geneva, we were greeted with relentless snowfall! We barely made it to our hotel in one piece (I’m not exaggerating – the taxi behind us got into a serious accident due to the snow, six seconds later and it would have been us!). We didn’t really venture very far from our hotel that night, but on Saturday we were able to do some shopping and also met with some of Kheira’s friends who still live in the city. Geneva (and Switzerland in general) is extremely expensive. Since the Swiss franc is practically on par with the dollar, I figured most things would be priced relatively similar. This couldn’t be further from the truth. If you are cheap, don’t go to Switzerland. Your wallet will bleed.

Anyways, back to Geneva. Though the city is also surrounded by mountains, (with Lake Geneva running between the ‘old town’ and the city centre) I still preferred Montreux. Geneva is extremely busy and commercial. Everywhere you go, there are stores selling expensive watches and jewelry, the buildings have massive signs on the top advertising brands like Cartier, Rolex, etc. People there seemed a bit pretentious. It also has to do with the fact that Geneva is a business centre – so it attracts a certain crowd. Fortunately I was with friends who were able to point us in the right direction, and despite the snow we had a lot of fun! More pictures are coming tomorrow, my internet connection is really bad at the moment and I'm not able to upload very quickly.

Overall I must say it was a much needed holiday. Since I started my PhD I haven’t had a chance to do any travelling within Europe, so I was grateful to have this opportunity (and the free time!). The minute we got back though, it was straight to work again. I’ve had an extremely busy semester with teaching and my own research. Luckily it’s time for another break (and it couldn’t have come any sooner!). Tomorrow I fly back to Canada for three weeks for the Christmas break, and I am looking forward to seeing all my family and friends again!

A few more pictures:

Apparently, behind these buildings in Geneva is the tip of Mont Blanc, the highest mountain in the Alps.

Crossing Lake Geneva to the Old Town

On the train from Montreux to Geneva

Snapped this one whilst on a Ferris wheel in Montreux's Christmas market!

Navratri

2010-10-16T07:37:00.000-07:00

I know most of you who read my blog are family who already know that we are currently celebrating Navratri, but for those who happen to stumble across my blog, or who aren’t Hindu, I thought I’d give a brief explanation...

Navratri is the Sanskrit word for ‘nine nights’ and is a Hindu festival which honours the feminine manifestations of the Divine. There are several festivals throughout the year, but the one occurring now called Maha Navratri (Great Navratri) is the most celebrated and significant. During this time, three forms of the Divine Mother are worshipped (which forms and for how many days during the festival vary depending on the region). Navratri is meant to be a very auspicious time where Hindus express their devotion to the feminine supreme in the form of prayers and fasting.

I remember one year when I was a child, during Navratri, myself along with several other girls my age were honoured in a small ceremony. It is common during Navratri (especially on the last couple of days) for young girls to be recognised as one of the purest forms of feminine power. Their feet are washed, they are fed special sweets and presented with new clothes, and essentially they are treated as goddesses.

At the time, I didn’t really understand the significance of what was taking place – although I do remember how much I enjoyed having my toes painted with red nail polish! But more seriously, reflecting on the experience now, I find it so unconventional, so unique and unbelievable that a religion would not only recognise the significance and power of the feminine but go so far as to honour little girls in this precious way. Is there any other faith which does this?

I am not ignorant to the fact that violence against women and girls takes place even in communities which celebrate Navratri - it's not my intention to glorify all Hindus as supporters of equality. But you have to agree that a festival which sanctifies womankind is pretty cool, and maybe in so doing, on a subconscious level, we can reinforce women's subjectivity, and be reminded of our own significance and 'Shakti' as women.

I don't know if it is correct to 'wish' someone a happy Navratri, but perhaps what I can say is that during this very auspicious time, I am praying for continued blessings and guidance to all my little goddesses.

Summer Travels

2010-10-16T06:22:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to upload some pictures from my summer travels for a while now, and have finally found the perfect, lazy Saturday afternoon to do it! Unfortunately I'm still without a high-speed wireless connection so it's taking a while for these pictures to load (otherwise I would have shared many more) but for now it will have to suffice. And the other odd thing with pictures on this site is that they load in reverse chronological order so the pictures aren't exactly in the same order that I travelled. Enjoy!

My aunt and uncle from Trinidad were in New York at the same time as us - we had a wonderful time sight-seeing together! Here we are having a coffee break in one of the Trump buildings.

During our stay in New York we took a carriage ride through Central Park

Of course I insisted stopping at Strawberry Fields to pay my respects to Lennon (once a Beatles fan, ALWAYS a Beatles fan)

Some of the family after my cousin Maya's wedding ceremony

Later that evening the wedding reception took place...fantastic party!

At the 'Top of the Rock' (Rockefeller Building)

Our hotel was in Times Square, one of the most energised, electric places I've seen.

M&M World

Need I say more?

My cousin's wife Asha and her daughter Ashley (on the only ride the three of us can handle!)

My first trip to Disney World!

Believe it or not? This is one of the Ripley's museums in Orlando...

Mum and I in the IceBar in Orlando...brrrr!

Exploring downtown Ottawa!

The view from our tent...

My first time sleeping in (and pitching) a tent!!!

There is something really liberating about pitching a tent on your own...it was a proud moment for Mel and I!

We also purchased a DVD with footage from our rafting trip in Ottawa, which I spliced into a shorter clip of our raft in particular. Hopefully this works (you might need to click 'play' and then pause it for a few minutes to load before playing the entire clip):

An apple a day?

2010-09-26T11:37:00.000-07:00

Hello again from Leeds! I've been back for just over two weeks now and thought I was due for a new post. Let's see...where did the last four weeks go?

-Partied it up in Manhattan for my cousin Maya's wedding

-Visited Mickey and Minnie in Disney World

-Packed and flew back to Leeds

-Moved out of my old flat and into my new one (quick tip on this one: never take your landlord's word for fact - make sure you thoroughly investigate a building for an elevator before you decide to drag your life's possessions up three flights of stairs)

-Ate an unhealthy amount of Cadbury Dairy Milk at Cadbury World in Birmingham

-Laughed uncontrollably at the Russell Peters show (my favourite comedian)

And that brings us to this week. I am almost completely settled in my new place (which couldn't be more convenient or lovely). I live in the dead centre of the city - everything is a 2 or 3 minute walk from here. But the location is just a bonus in comparison to the flat itself. My friend and colleague Kheira lives with me in our super modern and sparkling clean abode! But the truth is, that if I carry on bragging about how wonderful this place is, you will laugh at me because most of the reasons why I love it here are an accepted standard in North American homes. Such as our dishwasher (that's right - up till now my hands have been the only dishwasher available), dual washer-dryer (the lovechild of a washing machine and tumble dryer), and double glazed windows (two sets of glass instead of one...really reduces your electricity bill). All we need now is a high-speed internet connection (which will be on it's way October 9th - yes...it takes them a month to come and install your wireless).

What else is new? Well, I guess I should officially admit that I finally caved and bought an iPhone. Since I was in my undergrad, I've harboured a great bitterness towards Apple and all their products. I think it grew from my frustrations in countless tutorials for creating animations with their software like Flash, and then losing the entire file at the 'twelfth' hour (that's how late it was) and having to start from scratch. And then there's the whole marketing side of the argument, as Apple has constantly branded themselves as being 'different' and 'better' than everyone else. It all started with their '1984' advert which yes, was revolutionary in terms of advertising but also really ironic. Here they are, trying to make the point that by going with Apple, you will be unique in comparison to everyone around you - but their ultimate strategy is to try and get as many people as possible to become Apple users. That kind of defeats the whole purpose of being an individual. And of course the figure they choose in the commercial to represent this individuality, is a busty blonde, running in slow-motion...what could be more standardized than that? And let's not even get started with their whole "I'm a Mac, I'm a PC" campaign that made all of us PC users look like middle-aged, overweight nerds.

And I'm not naive about other corporations - I'm sure Bill Gates didn't become the wealthiest man in the world without some ruthlessness. But there is something about his altruistic side (re: The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation) that makes me feel a lot better about where some of my money goes when I purchase Microsoft products, and has kept me a loyal Microsoft customer since the dawn of operating systems.

So I guess you're wondering how years of resentment towards Apple was put to rest. Well, first of all, several pieces of technology that I owned fell apart this year. My mp3 player died, my extremely ancient Nokia phone was taking several naps a day, and I needed a digital voice recorder for my fieldwork which has begun this year. Out of all the smart phone options, I opted for the iPhone surprisingly not for the reasons their marketing team would like me to (because I wanted to be different) but because everyone around me had an iPhone, and it would make communication with them so much cheaper and convenient (especially from abroad). And while on this point, I'd just like to voice my distaste for the actual name, "iPhone" - it's so egotistical and self-centered. They should take a hint from the Japanese - at least Nintendo had the creativity and wit to name their latest gaming system a Wii - much more inclusive and fun to say.

My verdict? It pains me to admit, but I am really enjoying this device. There are so many ways in which it saves me both time and money - I never get lost anymore because of the maps feature which tells me exactly how to get where I need to go, I use an application that has an unlimited number of coupons which have saved me at least 30 pounds in the last week when I've gone shopping, and most importantly, I'm able to easily contact my family in Canada without having to pay large international rates (or at least I will be able to once I have wireless internet in my flat...). And of course, Apple has now completely changed their advertising strategy, by appealing to people's emotional side with their latest campaign for the iPhone 4. Sure they're still employing a tactic to try and manipulate people into buying their product, but at least it's more wholesome compared to their previous work (and I especially appreciate the diversity of the actors they cast in this one).

Now before you think I've been completely brain-washed by Apple and possibly recruited by them to write this post as part of some viral marketing stunt, I should mention that I'm not a complete convert. As much as I love my new phone/mp3 player/piggy bank/navigation system/lifesaving technology, it will take many years of convincing before I even think of buying an Apple laptop or desktop, and it's quite likely that I may never buy one - because for my needs there are other brands of computers that are much cheaper and will still keep me happy. But I do think that if you look at where Apple started, and where I started...we've both come a long way in mending our broken relationship.

A summer of firsts

2010-08-20T17:25:00.000-07:00

I know...I was doing so well with my 'one post a month' schedule this year. And now every time I look at my post history for 2010 July will forever be a sad zero. Then again, everyone deserves a holiday right?

So, A LOT has been going on in the last two months. I finished and submitted my upgrade document mid-June and met with a panel for my defense (aka viva) at the end of the month. I was probably the most nervous I've ever been, and I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was completely on my own. Usually whenever I've had a major exam or presentation in the past, my parents have been there to give me their blessings or in some cases, even drive me to wherever I needed to be. This time, I was flying seriously solo. I got into the room though, and had a very informal discussion with the panel - they were all very friendly and I was lucky in the sense that it didn't seem as though anyone had a strong desire to 'trip me up' by asking extremely difficult questions. It felt more like an opportunity to get some helpful advice, take in the suggestions of experts, and have an overall 'test-run' for the quality of my research.

An hour later, they asked me to leave the room so that they could come to a decision regarding my 'status'. At this point, I wasn't sure whether I would be given a straight pass into my second year, or if I would be asked to make any amendments and re-submit my work (I knew that I had done well enough for either of these outcomes to be applicable rather than something scarier like "maybe you should think about downgrading to our MPhil instead of PhD"). By God's grace, when I returned to the room, the panel informed me that I would be passed straight through, and I couldn't stop grinning after that! Being asked to make some changes is never a big deal - and it happens quite often to a lot of PhD candidates. In fact I was preparing myself to have to make changes because I submitted my work quite early. But at the end of the day, nobody wants to be told they left certain points out or that they overlooked a specific idea. It's just a nice little cherry on top the upgrade sundae to know that other scholars think your work is stellar, just the way it is. And of course, my supervisors played a major part in my success this year.

Two short weeks after my viva, I flew back to Canada, celebrated my quarter-of-a-century birthday (and did suffer a brief quarter-life crisis), spent loads of time with family and friends, squeezed in a trip to Ottawa for some white water rafting (first time ever!), signed a tenancy agreement for a new (and very beautiful) flat in the city centre (if you want to see a video tour e-mail me) and am now in the last three weeks of my visit. And as usual, I am still in awe of how quickly the time has passed. But the adventure continues, because I will also be headed to Manhattan and Disney World for the first time and I am really excited (they were both on my list of places to see before I turn 30). This has been one of those 'catch-up' entries but once I've done all my travelling I will write something a bit more substantial to summarize all the exciting experiences!

I hope you have all been having an equally eventful, fun and safe summer!

I blinked and summer was gone...

2010-06-10T13:07:00.000-07:00

In 2008, I survived my first summer in England. And to be honest, it was much more pleasant than I thought it would be. Most of June and July were quite warm (around 20-25 degrees) and sunny. I didn’t understand why people had complained so much about the dreadful British summer. But now...I understand. Maybe it’s because I’m a bit more north, or maybe in 2008 we just happened to be lucky, but this year...the weather is AWFUL!

Ok, ok...maybe I should be less dramatic. Three weeks ago, we did have a weekend of really beautiful sunshine and 26+ temperatures. All of Leeds was out and about enjoying the sun. Leeds has a small canal and the surrounding area is called Clarence Dock. It has been developed into quite a posh and lively part of the city. Along the water there are many small restaurants, cafes and bars with terraces facing the canal. There is also a very iconic white bridge (see pictures for details) that gets used in promotional material for the city. We spent most of our weekend in and around Clarence Dock so here are some pictures documenting the weather!

But then, it all went downhill. The last two weeks has been about 15 degrees and mainly filled with grey skies and rain. Everyone still has to wear their sweaters (or 'jumpers') and jackets, and it has been extremely depressing! Luckily there were a few reasons to celebrate even in the rain. About two weeks ago my friend Sachin, who I knew from my undergrad, and who studied with us in Leicester came to visit a few of his friends in Leeds. It was really great to see someone from Canada and hear all the updates (and also really crazy to hear how much everyone has progressed in their careers and lives since we finished in Leicester).

It's funny sometimes how you still see your friends as being students even after they've moved on with their lives. In 5 days Sachin will be taking his 'oath' and will officially be a criminal defense attorney. In 15 days my ex housemate, fellow MA alumna, and in general one of my best friends, Zainah will be getting married in Syria. This kind of news usually travels in threes, but for now I just have those two updates! At the end of the day, they're still my schoolmates, and after all the education and hard work, we're all just a bunch of big kids behind closed doors (and for some of us, not necessarily that big!). Many of the friends I made in Leicester are to date some of the closest ones I have in my life - even though we are all over the world at the moment we always find a way to reunite and keep in touch. It really makes a difference when you have people of quality in your life.

Last week was my friend Lia's birthday. Most of my friends here are actually from the Master's program in the Communications department. They're still older than me, but not as much compared to my PhD colleagues so I prefer to socialize with them. It will be sad when they all graduate in September though...luckily there are one or two PhD students who are closer in age to me, and I'll be moving in with one of them in September: Kheira (pictured below with the glasses). I'm actually excited to be in a bigger flat and to have some company - living alone is not as fantastic as it seems! It's nice to have privacy but I've realized (and maybe this is after spending 24 years living with people) that company is much more important, especially when it's the right kind of company.

The girls on Lia's birthday

My beautiful building on a sunny day :)

Sachie!

Most of the Masters' students + about 4 phds

And before I go, just a quick update on my upgrade process. My upgrade viva is scheduled for the end of this month, so hopefully if all goes well I will officially be a PhD student rather than a candidate, and I can start to arrange my fieldwork for September. I don't think I've mentioned this before, but a viva is when you have to meet with a panel of faculty members who asks you about your research, and the work you've done this year, and judges whether or not they think you are competent enough to see your doctorate through to completion. So yes, it sounds like a big deal, and it is. But I'm not all that scared about it - in fact I'm quite confident that the upgrade will be a very helpful process. Even if I'm asked to make some corrections, it's not the end of the world, and actually it will be a good opportunity to get insight from other faculty about my work. To be honest, the worst part was trying to get my thoughts down on paper (10,000 words worth of paper to be exact). And now that I've actually managed to put together something worthy of submitting to my panel, everything else seems like a breeze.

On second thought...make that a chilly, rainy, British summer breeze. But a breeze nonetheless :)

What is Culture?

2010-05-17T06:30:00.000-07:00

Before I start writing about the main topic for today, I just wanted to confirm that since my last post I did make it back to Leeds. Two days after my intended departure date, I flew back and eventually recovered from my jet-lag (the homesickness, not so much!). On the plus side, the weather is finally starting to improve - we have been graced with sunny days and blue skies, I'm even making more time to be social now that my teaching duties are complete for the year.

I'm not really sure how the inspiration for these topics occur. But usually I wait for some kind of issue to be raised, and then it sort of has time to 'simmer' in my mind until I have some ideas I want to share. Plus I also noticed that I've managed to write one post every month of this year, and I didn't want May to go by without anything. I guess it all started several weeks ago with an online discussion some of my colleagues and I were having about British culture. Many of them (actually, mainly the North Americans) were arguing that British culture should be considered separate from European culture because of several marked differences. Particularly, the difference in how alcohol is consumed, and also the fact that the Euro has not been adopted as the national currency were two of the big arguing points. Funny enough, most of the Europeans (and myself) were of the belief that Britain is very much a part of European culture - aside from geographically-speaking, there are many other similarities such as the pedestrian culture and love of football (i.e. soccer). And it also becomes a bit of a touchy subject to different Europeans when you try to argue they have more similarities amongst themselves than the British do. For instance, Germans and Greeks also have incredible 'cultural' differences that make them no more similar to each other than the British.

Anyways, what I realized amongst all the back and forth was that we were never going to come to any sort of resolution because culture means so many things to so many people. And this isn't an easy question to answer (so for all of you who read the title of this post, hoping I would finally be able to give you a definition - sorry to disappoint). About three days ago I got into another disagreement with a friend of mine who is South Asian. He refused to accept that I believed myself to be part of Indian culture. He said the fact that my parents were from Trinidad, and that I didn't speak any Indian language fluently meant that I couldn't be 'Indian'. And no matter what evidence I brought up to prove otherwise (like all my training in various aspects of Indian culture such as dance, music and even language lessons) he maintained that I had merely studied the culture, not actually belonged to it. It made me think: do you have to be born into a particular culture in order to belong to it? What if I were to move to a particular country and live there for a given amount of time, would that create a stronger affinity towards that nation's culture?

Then, about two days ago (the final 'sign' that this is probably a topic worth addressing in a blog post) my parents and I had a lengthy discussion about culture and civilization. My mother is reading a book which discusses the difference between the two. The author makes the distinction that culture is external, something we develop based on our environment. Civilization on the other hand, is internal - to be civilized, he argues, is to be human. Now this is a bit tricky, because I'm quite certain that the book is actually a translation of what the author wrote in his native, South Asian language. Perhaps, there is no word that aptly translates whatever concept he was writing about - and civilization was merely the closest term to use (and since we're on the subject, watch out for this in the books you read - poor translations can often mis-guide a reader).

I think the point he was trying to make was that we have become very caught up in developing our culture. We get so involved in developing our identity within a certain cultural framework, that we sometimes forget about those fundamental behaviors that should come to us more naturally than anything else. To be civil, compassionate, loving, kind, these are the sort of qualities that are inherent in us which we perhaps neglect in order to adopt more cultural qualities. Maybe where culture divides us, civility (which I think sounds more appropriate than civilization) is meant to unite us. But we let culture get in the way of that. They are British, We are European; You are Trinidadian, I am Indian; I am cultured, You are not are the kind of distinctions we make, rather than seeing ourselves as one civilization - or one Civil Nation.

My father is having a bit more trouble with this idea. For him, culture is very much embedded in our being. He defines culture as something that enriches you, that makes you a better person. To call someone a cultured person, to him signals that they are very 'developed'. Clearly, his view of culture is much more narrowly defined than the type of culture I've been writing about above. I don't think he would agree that behaviors like attending a football match or drinking tons of beer is necessarily 'culture'. Maybe he has a better word for it like 'custom' or 'tradition' (Dad, it'd be great if you could write a nice comment with your thoughts on this). In my field, culture is a term used quite broadly because we talk about popular culture, high culture, low culture, etc. so it doesn't carry the same meanings anymore as it once did (at least not in academic circles).

Do I have some kind of answer or profound comment on all of this? Not really. Hey, I'm not an idea bank that has the solution to all the world's problems. All I can take away from this is that language is a very tricky device, and the words we use, as wonderful and unique as they are, often carry many contrasting meanings to many people. At the end of the day, regardless of what others may argue, you can't change your feelings overnight. I still feel like I'm living in a European country, I still feel like I'm a part of Indian culture, and I still feel like culture is not innate.

What do you feel like?

Surprises

2010-04-20T08:32:00.000-07:00

As most of you know, I decided to 'drop' in on the 11th as a surprise visit for my mom's birthday. Everything went exactly as planned. My sister and brother-in-law picked me up from the airport, brought me back to our house, and just as my mom was lighting the candles on Cassia's birthday cake (she's my cousin's daughter who happens to share my mom's birthday) I walked into the house, covered in tissue paper and a bow!

Usually, my mom always gets a 'whiff' of these sort of things and spoils the surprise. At Christmas, she manages to find where we hide her gifts, or she 'accidentally' picks up the phone while we're secretly devising our master plans to shock her. This time though, nothing was prematurely uncovered, and we finally succeeded in genuinely surprising her (and my dad!). I was really fortunate that my brosin (brother-cousin) Darin, his wife Sarita and their baby were also able to be there and we celebrated her first birthday together.

All in all, it's been a very lovely trip. The sun has been shining all week, it's been relatively mild (compared to Leeds!), and I've spent some much-needed quality time with my family. I was meant to fly back to England this evening, but due to the volcanic ash over most of western Europe, that is not happening anymore. To be honest, I'm not sure when I'll be able to leave. Luckily this time I flew in through Manchester, which is near Leeds and as such a lot more north than London. They are more optimistic that flights to the north will resume earlier than to the south, so hopefully by Friday or the weekend I'll be on my way back. To be honest though, being forced to stay for a few extra days has been a nice little gift. I've also managed to get quite a bit of work done here as well. Something about being back in my room, at my desk has been conducive to working. I brought all my marking with me and finished it, and now I'm working on my upgrade document (which is not quite as simple to finish as the marking!).

I have to say that I am so impressed with the progress of the students I have taught this semester. The first essays they submitted in February were very poor quality. When I realized how much help they needed, we started to go through essay writing tutorials during the seminars. Just basic tips with referencing, paragraph structure and argumentation. While marking their second essays these past couple of weeks, I was shocked at how much their writing had improved. They really paid attention in seminar and applied what they had learned to their own work.

It just goes to show you what little it takes to make a difference (and how enjoyable marking can actually be when you have good work to evaluate!). I've always believed that education is the answer to so many of the problems we encounter. But not really because of any amount of knowledge or material you may come across in your studies. There is an endless amount of knowledge to gain even within a single subject, and it's impossible to try and absorb all of that material in a lifetime. What is most valuable in education is not all of the information it provides access to, but rather how it cultivates one's ability to understand that information. And maybe you've experienced this too in your own daily lives, where someone is trying to explain something to you, or you're reading a book and suddenly it clicks, and you figure out what is being said or how something works - and you shout "I get it!". We derive so much satisfaction from 'understanding' rather than just 'knowing' information. It's the moment when we finally figure out how to operate our DVD player, or how to write a good essay that we feel a sense of accomplishment.

Sometimes in academics, we get so caught up in the content, that we forget about the importance of understanding. It can often feel like a big race to see who can absorb the most material the quickest. One of my favourite quotes from Malcolm Gladwell, who has authored The Tipping Point, Blink and Outliers (all must-reads), states: "The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding. We are swimming in the former. We are desperately lacking in the latter". I couldn't agree with him more.

The Paradox of Young Women

2010-03-25T04:29:00.000-07:00

Last night, I found myself tossing and turning in bed till nearly 2 in the morning. I chalk it up to several factors:

1. I just finished watching The Blind Side and was reflecting on what a touching film it was.

2. It is starting to hit that awkward temperature and I haven't mastered the balance between opening the window slightly versus leaving the heat on...(please don't think of this as a complaint: I am very happy the weather is finally warming up!)

3. There was this little bird who must've been confused because he was chirping all night! It was kind of cute though.

4. I have started writing my upgrade document...

Yes, it's finally that time of the year where all the books I have read, all the thinking I have done, needs to be put down in writing into a 10,000 word document that will hopefully act as my ticket onto the 'full-fledged PhD student plane'. By the way, if you're still not sure what it is I am researching exactly, take a look at my rationale:

One of the main aims of media education is to develop students’ critical abilities and awareness in relation to mass media. Advanced-level Media Studies especially emphasises the development of students’ critical autonomy through the analysis of media texts and theories. The experiences of female students in A-level Media Studies are of particular interest. As one of the largest groups of media consumers, young women seem to share a strong relationship with popular media. Past research that has investigated the relationship between media and young women focuses on how they are affected by over-idealized representations of women. What is too often overlooked is the complexity with which these women engage with popular media. As McRobbie notes, there is a need to conduct research of female youth culture which analyses ‘what is entailed in the processes of looking at and consuming these cultural forms’ (2009:99).

This research stands at the intersection of Feminist and Media Studies by examining the ways that young women experience media education in sixth form, with particular emphasis on their understanding of gender representation. Through classroom observations and interviews, I will be answering the following research question:

How might we understand young women’s experiences of efforts by AS/A-level media education to enhance their critical understanding of gender representation?

Further, this research will explore how young women regard the development of their own critical media literacy, and how they conceive of the effects of media education on their self-esteem.

McRobbie, A. (2009) The Aftermath of Feminism: Gender, Culture and Social Change. Sage Publications, London.

Hopefully, that should be a clear enough summary of what my research is all about. Basically, my upgrade document is meant to expand on those ideas. I'll have to provide a justification for why my research is needed, how it 'fills the gap' that current academic literature is still missing, and a step-by-step outline of how exactly I intend on executing this study.

But I guess what's really been keeping me up at night, is thinking about how my work is going to get classed within the academic literature. Essentially, I'm claiming to be contributing to Feminist Studies. What does it really mean to be a feminist? When people hear that word today, they think it's either obsolete, and that women have achieved equality so there is no need for feminism to exist as a movement anymore, OR, they think it's a 'dirty' word and that feminists are pro-choice man-haters with short hair and no make-up. Well, I'm not really any of those things, and yet I still claim to be a feminist.

Is there some kind of inherent contradiction with wanting women to be strong, happy, self-aware beings, and at the same time celebrating one's beauty and attractiveness? Personally, I don't think so. And I also think there is a big difference between being part of a feminist protest or rally, women who actively go out and insult men who walk into strip clubs, etc., versus intellectual feminists who are engaging with theory on a more philosophical level. Rather than go out and shove a very particular brand of feminism down people's throats, I think it's much more beneficial to engage in a discourse over how we should conceive of feminine identity - and to analyse what sort of ideologies and systems are set up in society preventing that discourse from taking place. To me, being a feminist doesn't mean trying to get everyone to see it 'my way' but rather, making opportunities for there to be an ongoing discussion and choice for women to see things however they want to.

Here is where the paradox comes into play. All my life (and arguably many young women's lives), I have been taught to value education, to aim high, and to develop a career path that will lead to success. We live in a society where most women are given the same foundation as men with regards to what it is we are able to achieve in life. We are encouraged to be these active citizens and contributors in the workforce. But then, when you have achieved all of those things, and you have become the successful student, or the successful career woman, you are expected to get married, have some children, and give up your career to dedicate your life to raising those children. And there is no way around this. I have witnessed how society judges women who choose alternative forms of childcare for their children, whilst they continue to go to work. If you do not give up your career for your child/children, you are seen as less of a mother than the women who decide to stay at home. This is especially true in 'ethnic' communities. And it's not just the society, the working mothers also carry around this heavy guilt for leaving their children in someone else's care - they know that society does not support their choice. But why did society encourage that woman to get an education and a career? How come nobody told her when she was deciding on her profession not to get too attached because in a few years she'll just have to throw it all away?

Statistically, women excel in university more than men, and in many cases there are more women enrolled in higher education than men. And yet when you follow these women into the workforce, they take on mid to low-range employment while their intellectual inferiors get all the high-level jobs. Why does this happen? My answer would probably be linked to their realization that they won't be working for very long anyways, so why bother excelling?

And this, is the paradox of young women today. This is what my female friends and I are puzzled over. Why have we been taught to develop such a passion for education and careers, when everyone expects you to take a hiatus from it all? And I know many people reading this will argue "well, it's only until the kids start school and then you can resume your career again". Do you think after 5-7 years out of any industry, you will still be employable? Your knowledge would be nearly obsolete by then.

Men of course, don't have this problem. Many of my male friends here are doctors or surgeons, approaching their 30's, and not concerned at all that they are un-wed (though this research about low quality sperm after the age of 30 is something I would like to see race through the media the same way research into female infertility has). Nor do they have any fears of needing to give up their careers once they do have a family. And yet, their criteria for the ideal woman, would be someone who is educated - but at the end of the day I'm quite certain they would want this educated woman to stay at home and rear their children.

And this is why, it's important that people let go of this assumption that feminism is dead, and that women have all the rights and resources they need to be successful. It's just not true. We are living in a society that provides little support or solution for this paradox we are experiencing. Of course every mother would want to have the luxury of staying at home to raise their children - but does it have to be at the expense of everything she has worked so hard for?

The Girl Cell

2010-02-03T11:10:00.000-08:00

Check me out, I'm writing again after only a week! Let's not get too excited, I don't want to jinx it. There's just been some really profound material I've come across lately that I want to share with you all.

For Christmas, one of my best friends Mel gave me the book Three Cups of Tea which is a semi-biographical story about a man named Greg Mortenson who makes it his mission in life to build schools mainly for young girls in Northern Pakistan. He has sacrificed so much, including any semblance of a normal life, for the sake of educating these girls and in turn reducing infant mortality and poverty rates in these remote villages. Today he has contributed to the building of over 130 schools in both Pakistan and Afghanistan, and continues to promote the role of education in counter-acting terrorism.

I finally finished reading the book last Sunday (don't judge - I've been juggling a few books at once, ok?) and my heart sank when I heard the news this morning about the bombing of a girls' school in Northern Pakistan, killing four young girls, three foreigners, and injuring nearly 100 others - mostly young female students. It was the inauguration day as the school had been previously attacked by the taliban (sorry spell check, I don't capitalize the names of terrorist groups) -a common phenomenon in this region of Pakistan. Islamic fundamentalists, such as those affiliated with the taliban, are vehemently opposed to the education of girls and women. They continue to destroy many of the girls' schools built mostly through American aid (by organisations such as Greg Mortenson's), which has scared many families into keeping their daughters at home.

I've been keeping an eye on the major news outlets to see if there is any mention of who the foreigners are, and which American NGO it was that built the school, but so far no details have been released (Greg Mortenson is safe in Calgary at the moment, due to give a presentation tomorrow). I am so deeply saddened and disturbed by the idea that people exist in this world who fight for the denial of a right as basic as education. And they call themselves 'the taliban' ('the student', in Arabic) - if they had any idea what it means to be a student, they would want everyone to experience the challenges and the triumphs of learning instead of preaching their radical ideology (which by the way, completely distorts the remarkable teachings of Islam).

I hope you will join me in praying for those courageous girls and their families - who strive for greatness even in the face of such adversity.

As V-Day approaches (and I'm talking about the V-Day Movement to end violence against girls and women, rather than the patriarchal, capitalist holiday for couples - see my 2008 V-Day post for details), I wanted to post a lecture/performance given by Eve Ensler. Ensler is the creator of the V-Day movement and author of the Vagina Monologues (among other terrific books). In this presentation which took place in India, Ensler discusses the idea of a 'Girl Cell' that exists within all of us (men and women). She encourages us to embrace our Girl Cells as a way to re-connect with and channel our true power and collective spirit. I hope you will take the time to watch this 20 minute clip, as I truly believe in her message and hope that we can all find our Girl Cells.

Eve Ensler: Embrace your inner girl | Video on TED.com

It's A One-derful Life

2010-01-26T15:48:00.000-08:00

OK...so I've been meaning to sit down and post a blog for quite sometime now (you should see the endless To Do lists I've scribbled onto hot pink post-its with 'Blog' written at the end of them). But here's the thing: the longer you wait until your next post, the more you have to write about, and the less you know about where to start. I guess the best place to start, 26 days in, is to wish you all a happy new year, and a happy new decade! Alongside all the new academic vocabulary I pick up on a daily basis, I also learned that a popular term for last decade was the noughties (since they all ended in 0-something). Of course, leave it to me to finally learn the correct reference for the decade at the end of that decade (oh irony). Anyways, I made it a point to be ahead of the game this time around, and learned that a competition was held in Australia for what to call this new decade and the winner is....*drum roll please*

THE ONE-DERS!

Cute huh? Mind you, there is no universally accepted term, but I quite like the optimism of this ONE (hehe). Anyways...hope you all had a ONEderful holiday (last time I promise) - I did make a quick visit to Canada, and although I was out of the UK for three weeks, I spent most of that time sailing the Caribbean seas rather than shoveling the driveway (I know Dad, not like I ever shovel the driveway even when I am home...). About 20 of my family members and I went on a seven day cruise, stopping at Honduras, Belize, Mexico and unfortunately bypassing our last stop to the Bahamas due to inclement weather. Not only was it really lovely to get some hot weather and days at the beach in, but spending all of that time with my family was much needed. I think the older I get, the more I appreciate how important family is, and being away from home never seems to get easier. On the plus side, it has become a little less lonely here for two reasons:

a) One of my colleagues who I am most close with in the department (but who used to live in London and commute to campus) has now moved into my building! She is still getting settled into her place, but we've made some plans to do our groceries and hopefully have some cooking nights together.

b) I was offered a teaching assistant position at the University of Leicester (where I did my masters) which started this week. It works out really conveniently that the tutorials I teach are all on Fridays which means I can visit my friends in Leicester on a weekly basis now (and actually get paid to do so!).

As you may have guessed, still no luck on the funding front. I am in the process of applying for a few grants and scholarships this year...but the pickings are anorexically slim. Everyone is making cuts - including charities and grant-making bodies. Surprisingly my dentist of all people actually made me feel better about the situation. He was telling me that at the end of the day, regardless of how much it may cost you, your education is priceless, it's something that nobody can ever take from you, and hopefully increase your earning potential when you start your career. And he's right. But at the end of the day, even within a group of people that most would consider the intellectual 'elite', there are the haves and the have-nots. The upper echelons of researchers who receive all the funding and research grants, who get acknowledged for the significance of their studies, and then those of us who do not get recognized for our work. I don't exactly have an explanation of why we don't, because I'm still in the process of figuring it out. Maybe because our topics of study aren't appealing enough to the masses, maybe we just don't write convincing enough proposals, maybe it's just not in the stars for us. Whatever the reasons are, don't be fooled by the facade of academe - even at this level there are hierarchies of power.

By the way - I have a new love. He's German, and has been dead for about 180 years....but I still think he's a genius and I'm completely smitten by him. His name is Hegel. He was a very famous German philosopher and I am completely in awe of how profound and relevant his thinking still is, even when he was writing nearly two centuries ago. Where do I even begin trying to unravel his philosophy? Well, he comes from the same tradition of thinking as Plato and Kant do, in that they discuss the meaning of freedom at length, and believe that there is a soul which exists and needs to be freed from the 'false-reality' of the world. Hegel questions the idea of reality. He says that the finite has to become infinite in order to achieve reality. What does this mean? When we define objects or concepts or people, we are giving them boundaries through which we understand them. This is a ball because it's round and bouncy. This is a dog because it has four legs and barks. That makes it finite. Hegel (and others) think that in order to achieve actual reality, one needs to transcend these confined definitions and move beyond their 'finitude' into true reality. Think about it this way: how can something that depends on others for its existence, be more real than something which defines itself? This notion of defining oneself is what we often refer to as the notion of self-determination.

This need to define ourselves is something that Hegel sees as an essential component in achieving true happiness and autonomy in our lives. We can't ever be truly free until we are able to know who we are without needing to compare ourselves to others. Many feminist scholars borrow from Hegel's work to make the point that women have an even more difficult time being self-determined individuals, because of how often we get labelled and boxed in by society. There is such a small mould we are given to fit in, that there is little room for women to define themselves. I believe that the media (and more particularly gender representations in the media) play a very strong role in women's lack of 'subjectivity' (another way to describe self-determination). And I think it is REALLY important that we educate women (and people in general) about the media, so that they are more critically aware of the kind of narrow representations that exist in the media - representations that are not reflective of our diversity. I think this is possibly one way of re-instating our subjectivity, rather than try to constantly meet some unattainable expectation of what a woman should look like or act like.

That is one of the main reasons why I think it's important to examine media education in the school system here - to evaluate how young women in these classes are critically understanding gender representation in the media - and to explore some of their subjective experiences inside and outside of the classroom.

So I hope that clarifies what it is I'm studying here...I would like to go on in more detail but I think that may bore you, and I also need to get to bed. Miss you all lots, and will do my best to post again soon!

It's beginning to look a lot like....

2009-12-05T03:50:00.000-08:00

CHRISTMAS!!! I love this time of year. And as hard as it is, being away from home, there have been so many festive decorations in the city, and activities happening to keep me excited in these last couple of weeks here. Every year in Leeds, the month leading up to Christmas brings a German Market to the town square. Every night you can take a walk into town and indulge in some mulled wine or German truffles. You really feel like you've run away to some small Bavarian town when you walk around! In January, the market is replaced by a giant, outdoor skating rink! I remember seeing it last January when I visited Leeds after my graduation. This time I'll get a chance to actually skate on it!

A few weekends ago I went to London with some of my Leicester friends, and spent most of our time walking up and down Oxford Street - one and a half miles of all the shops and department stores you could possibly want. They had some really beautiful decorations up as well - the department stores like Harrods and Selfridges always have themed 'holiday' showcases. In hindsight, I wish I had taken more pictures, but the traffic on the weekend was life-threatening. And I'm not really talking about the cars - I mean the people! They were everywhere, sometimes I was at a complete standstill on the sidewalk, waiting for the crowd to shuffle their way forward and escape into one of the shops.

On Saturday, we ventured out to the Notting Hill district to visit another famous stretch of road called Portobello Road. It was very unfortunate that there happened to be a torrential downpour at the same time - and I nearly drowned in the rain trying to get there! Luckily though, once we got there, we came across a never-ending block of antique stalls. Turns out, on Saturdays Portobello Road turns into Portobello Market - the world's largest antique market! Antique shopping isn't really my forte, but it was still a different experience to visit some of the stalls and browse through all the bits and bobs (most of which cost more than my rent for the month!). Sorry there's only one pic, as you can tell by all the umbrellas and chaos, it wasn't the most conducive environment for photography!

Other than that, things have been normal out here - the PhD is going well. Unfortunately my TA duties are almost complete for this year (aside from the 40 papers I have to mark in the week before I leave!). I haven't found any teaching jobs for next term as yet. I know some of you have been asking what my research is all about - and I think I'll have to work on writing up a post about exactly what it is I'm studying here! The problem with that is, I'm still figuring out the best way to communicate it myself, it's an ongoing process, one that I hope to share with you in the weeks to come.

Hope you're all enjoying the holiday season - can't wait to see you in two weeks!

(I've got some leftover pics of Leeds and the campus that I never got around to posting, so here you go, enjoy!)

This is the Roger Stevens building - I pass by it on my walk to town and just think it's really pretty. :)
This is the Parkinson Tower, the landmark of our campus (you can see the tower from almost anywhere in the city - really good for people like me who can't navigate!). Inside is the Brotherton Library which looks exactly like a typical traditional English library you would imagine to find here)
Remember how I said churches have been converted into all kinds of other buildings? Well, this one is a nightclub called Halo. I've never actually gone to one of their events - but they do hold one called Midnight Mass on Saturday nights...really odd, I know.

This was back in October, in my friend's car on our way to Leicester. I thought it would come in handy when I need a reminder of what the sun and sky look like. Smart thinking...

A Maharajhian Thought

2009-11-08T04:08:00.000-08:00

I've spent the majority of this weekend drowned in books, articles and essays from a wide range of academic scholars. While I find a lot of it highly enlightening and relevant, there are some texts that I have major problems with. I love words, and I love writing - but one of the key tenets in professional writing is to always have your audience in mind. With academic writing, I find it has the tendency to become very narcissistic. It's all about the ego of the author/researcher/scholar being able to construct their theory in the most convincing manner. Rather than consider how best to convey information to their readers, they are most concerned with making themselves sound right.

For some, that involves using language and terminology that their reader may not be able to easily grasp. I feel sometimes like there's this master-slave dichotomy when I'm reading, whereby the author is the all-knowing master, and I am the slave to their text - toiling away at making sense of their words. And what is the purpose behind all of this impossible jargon? Am I supposed to think "Wow, this dude must REALLY know what he's talking about since his explanation is so complex and barely comprehensible"? I think not.

I have to say, one of my most recent frustrations with these texts has to be the way in which they summarize an entire author's ideology by adding some ridiculous suffix to their last name. I'm tired of reading about how idea X relates to Hobbesian behaviour or how theory Y derives from the Pascalian or Hegelian school of thought. Every time I encounter one of these Armenian sounding names (a little cultural humor there) I have to stop, Google that person's main ideas about life, and then try to connect them to what the current author's point was and console my bruised ego for not being well-versed in the seminal works of every academic discipline. And maybe that's part of the problem as a student in a very interdisciplinary field. I've got books on Feminism, Class, Education, and Methodology - and each complete with their own key theorists. Maybe if I was studying one single field since my undergrad, I wouldn't be encountering this much difficulty. But I still think at the end of the day, there is something odd about the relationship between academic authors and their audience (or the lack thereof).

And I understand that academics rely on the system of putting forth a theory, proving it, and dis-missing possible alternatives. There would be no growth without that system - and obviously this is especially necessary in more scientific fields. Ultimately, that's probably why I'm not as interested in research, as I am in teaching - because I find that with teaching, you can discuss a variety of theories and negotiate meaning and have a discourse with your students that isn't about finding one 'right' idea, but rather, examining all the interesting and diverse elements of equal ideas. Research is a bit too ego-centric for me, and I'm not a fan of writing in a way that makes me sound like the master of my domain. Alas, we all have to do things we don't always love the most in order to get to that final destination - and I've made peace with having to conduct research in order to get to my ultimate goal of teaching. Who knows - maybe I can find a compromise in my academic writing that will allow me to prove a point, connect with my audience, without sounding like an arrogant smartypants...an academic can dream, can't she?

Back to the Beginning...

2009-11-01T10:19:00.000-08:00

Hello from Leeds! I’ve been in the UK for nearly two months now and I thought it was about time to sit down and give you some updates. I have to admit that in comparison to Leicester, it has taken much longer to settle into Leeds. I think in part because the campus and the city overall is just so much bigger than I’m used to, but also because the pace in the UK is much slower than we’re used to in Canada. It takes three times as long for the same correspondence to go through here in comparison to home! Overall though it’s been a smooth transition, and there is something I find really fun and exciting about settling into a new place and starting all over again. I’m still discovering new parts of town, and some of the shortcuts through campus (mostly by accident because I do have a tendency to get lost easily!).

So let me start with the PhD. I really have no complaints at this point. There is a completely different dynamic to being a PhD student in an academic department versus an undergrad. First of all, we are treated more like part of the staff than the student body – we have two PhD offices and access to the staff rooms and resources (I am taking full advantage of the free ‘perks’ that come with all this access by the way!). The faculty see us as their colleagues and we have a very informal and amicable relationship with them. My two supervisors in particular have been extremely helpful in providing guidance for my research. One of them even offered me a teaching assistant position for her undergraduate class and I am really grateful for the opportunity and thoroughly enjoying the interaction with the students. My colleagues are all much older than me – some of them are married, some have families of their own – and almost all of us are international students. At times it can be intimidating because many of them are bringing years of industry experience to the table and have published research and/or attended conferences. So I do feel like I’m a bit behind in that regard. But it was something I had considered beforehand, and on the positive side even with all their great experience, I’m happy to report that the majority of them are approachable and friendly, and very willing to provide whatever advice and support they can. The nice thing about doing independent research is that the level of competition isn’t as high as it can be in other fields. There is a strong sense of camaraderie amongst us and it’s been very reassuring.

At this point, I’m not really considered a full PhD student. I’m still what they would call a provisional PhD - or a PhD candidate. By next summer, I have to go through an ‘upgrade’ process, which involves me submitting a small portion of my thesis (called an upgrade document) and having it reviewed by a panel. Then I have a kind of interview called a viva where they ‘grill’ me about my research (it does have a very ‘scary’ reputation around here...) and if they’re pleased I am upgraded to full PhD status in my 2^nd year. Everyone in the department categorizes themselves in terms of whether they have had their upgrade or not so it’s a pretty big deal and that is my goal for this year – to have my upgrade document completed by June. I’ve also got other duties like attending PhD seminars, conferences, and other training sessions.

Now onto more personal details...I really love my place. Leeds used to be (and arguably still is) a very religious city. There are an infinite number of really old churches throughout the city that have been converted into nightclubs, office spaces, and...accommodation! That’s right people, I live in a really old church. From the outside, the building is this massive gothic structure with iron gates and old, glass windows. But inside, they have built self-contained studio flats that are quite modern. Mine is really tiny (we have an expression here when a place is small, you say “you can’t even swing a cat in there” and that pretty much describes the space of my room) but it’s perfect for me. I have my own bathroom and small kitchen area, and I don’t have to worry about security or utilities. But the best part for me has to be the old cobble-stone road that I live on (although I would argue it’s more of a cobble-stone hill because the incline is ridiculous – I am going to have great legs by the end of this year!). Both sides of the road are lined with these massive trees and my room faces out to the road. In the morning, it is so quiet outside – all you hear is the sound of little leaves shivering on the trees and birds chirping (there are the cutest little bird houses nailed to some of the trees on the front yard). It is one of my favourite things to do in the morning, to lie in bed and just listen to the soundscape going on outside my window! I really couldn’t have asked for a nicer place to live in for my first year here. Oh and it is so convenient and close to the city centre and main campus buildings (the city centre by the way, is a thing of beauty and I will have to rant on about all the wonderful shops and buildings at some point). I’m no more than a 10-15 minute walk from most places though.

I guess if I really had anything to complain about it would the social side of things. Leeds is supposed to be one of the liveliest cities to live in, and it definitely looks like there is a lot going on in the city centre...but I haven’t really made too many friends to explore it with. I think it’s a bit harder when you live completely by yourself because you tend not to take as many ‘risks’ (not the dangerous kind). I’ve actually made a few trips out to Leicester for Thanksgiving and Diwali to visit my old friends there, because it gets a bit lonely here sometimes. Anyways, everything takes time and it’s actually given me a chance to focus a lot on my research and teaching which is always a good thing.

The weather has been surprisingly cooperative since I’ve been here. There have been the typical rainy and grey days but for the most part, the temperature is quite mild, and whenever we do have those lovely sunny days with blue skies I make the most of it! Pictures are coming soon – I’m just waiting for another day of nice weather to take them!

Miss you all so much! Hope you’re doing well, more details to follow in upcoming posts :)

Back from hibernation

2009-09-01T20:24:00.000-07:00

It surprises me sometimes that I'm not a more consistent blogger. Almost everything else I commit to in life I have very little difficulty maintaining. But alas, blogging is just one of those things I can't seem to keep up with! Sorry, for the millionth time :)

I've got BIG news. Anyone who 'knows' me outside of cyberspace has probably already heard by now, but for those of you still in the dark, I was accepted to the PhD program at the University of Leeds! In one week I'm moving out there to settle in and begin my three year study which measures the effectiveness of media literacy programs in the UK (or so I've decided for now...but anyone who read my Leicester blog knows that these things can change quite drastically overnight!). It was a very late acceptance (apparently the UK shares my blogging problem) so I haven't been able to secure any kind of scholarships or funding for this year since the deadlines passed before I was even accepted. If by chance, some ridiculously wealthy person out there is reading this, trying to figure out what good they could possibly put their money towards, here's your chance to invest in the future.

Yesterday was my last day working at Oxford too. It was really sad to say goodbye to all my students. I always remember Eckhart Tolle saying that "you are not living life, life is living YOU" and it's so true. At the beginning of this year, I was thinking what a waste of my time it was being back here, not really working in my field. But now, reflecting on all my experiences teaching those children, and how they inspired me to develop my research ideas for my PhD, I can't imagine how everything would have fallen into place without that job. In the 9 months I was teaching, I came across every type of kid you can think of: the sweeties, the braniacs, the bullies and the bullied, the 'special needs' and the needy, and oh, my favourite, the spoiled brats. And while sometimes (ok...maybe more than sometimes), I was on the verge of pulling my hair out, there is something so inspiring about being around young, observant, impressionable minds. It's something that makes you want to do everything you can to ensure that they maximize their potential.

There are so many children and teens out there who are just not getting the kind of attention they need from their homes. I've seen obese children, being fed McDonald's every day for lunch, and I've seen perfectly smart children forced to sit through hours of unnecessary lessons for the sake of a mark or two. There are kids who have facebook accounts, who watch movies with their parents that even I am ashamed to watch with mine, and the list of bad parenting decisions goes on. The most ironic thing about all of this, is that these parents are working so hard, to make enough money to enroll their children in all these acitivies, and to buy them everything their heart desires, when they are really just in need of the most fundamental and inexpensive things like a home-cooked meal, or quality family time. The most frustrating part for someone who studies media and who teaches, is how quickly parents point fingers at the media or at teachers for negatively influencing their kids. Hello?! It's not the media's or the teacher's job to raise your children...

As nice as it would be for all parents to get back to the basics, times are changing and I don't see that happening anytime soon. I think the expression is that "it takes a village to raise a child" and we're definitely moving in that direction. Parents, media and the education system need to come together to provide the next generations with the best opportunities available. I guess that's how I started researching into the media education programs offered in schools and discovered that not many people have really examined how effective these programs are at educating youth about media awareness. Of course with my partiality towards young women, my study revolves only around young females and how well they have responded to media literacy initiatives in schools. I'm sure that as I delve deeper into the subject matter though, I will write some more on this topic here and share my thoughts with you.

In short, here's what I've learned this year:

Life takes you down all kinds of weird paths. Sometimes (ok, maybe more than sometimes) we don't understand what we're doing or why we're doing it. The outcome seems uncertain, and for lack of a better term, you feel like you're in a rut. I thought after I did my Master's, I could come back home and get a cushy teaching job at a college and start to work my way up. Instead, I spent a year working with children: the one group of people I never thought I could connect with. I overcame my 'fear', developed "the patience of a saint" as my boss put it, and re-ignited my passion for academe. Best rut ever.

The purpose of prayer

2009-03-16T11:23:00.000-07:00

I know last month, I left people in suspense, wondering who my 'Valentine's Guest' was. One of my dearest friends Sonali, whom I met in Leicester (and who is originally from Calgary) came to visit! Z, Sonali and I were inseparable when we lived in Leicester, and I've been lucky enough to have her visit us twice since being back in Toronto. We had an incredible weekend together catching up and reminiscing about our life in England. I think it helps too when you have friends who are in similar stages of their lives. As Sonali often tells me, "there is power in three's" and I definitely feel that her, Z and I balance our friendship and motivate and support one another through challenging times. Love you ladies <3

I think given the economic climate we are experiencing at the moment, it has been extremely difficult for those of us looking for jobs. Sonali just completed law school, Z and I are both magisters, and none of us have been able to find positions that match our level of education. When there's a deficit in opportunities, people begin to really question their goals and the path they have chosen in life. For me, it's been a lot of contemplation about where God fits into all of this, and how to maintain the right spiritual mindset (which is a bit of a contradiction since the spirit and mind are separate, but just play along here for a minute...).

I've never been the type to pray to God and ask for something. I know in some religions (such as Christianity), God is said to be a 'jealous' God, who needs to be worshipped and loved so much in order for your prayers to come true. But for me (and millions of others) God is simply love - and where is there room for jealousy or selfishness in something as pure as love? To beseech something from God would imply that God is keeping things from you, or preventing you from having what you want because you haven't prayed enough. To do that is a very human behaviour, not godly. So where does that leave us? How can we explain why some of our desires materialize, and others do not? And does that mean that there is no purpose to prayer?

In Hinduism, our holy scriptures are known as the Vedas. The Vedas are the foundation of Hinduism - every story, every ritual, even math and astronomy are explained within these saced texts. In the first half of the Vedas, one can find all types of descriptions of Hindu deities, and rituals or 'poojas' that will (apparently) allow you to have what you desire. By worshipping a particular form of God (because there aren't many different gods in Hinduism, only different manifestations of God) , one can achieve wealth, rain, or even a son. I guess the average Hindu realized after she had rain, sons, and everything else she desired, that she still wasn't happy. That's when the second half of the Vedas were written, which detail more of the 'existentialist' questions society has regarding their true purpose in life, and how to achieve fulfillment outside of the material world. One of the main teachings to take away from Vedanta (which literally means "the end of the Vedas") is that in order to achieve true happiness, one must distance oneself from material desires. Giving in to every whim and fancy we have will only take us further away from realizing that we are perfect just as we are; that the latest sportscar or Apple gadget doesn't improve our true identity, but rather provides a brief moment of satiety.

Now, if I were a sage who sat under a tree all day and meditated, I would have no problem accepting this philosophy. As a young person, living in a western society where I am expected to fulfill certain social obligations - I run into an assortment of issues in practising detachment. First of all, how do you achieve anything in life without a burning desire for it? I have difficulty understanding where motivation, ambition, and determination are supposed to come from if you're trying to stay detached from your emotions. And furthermore, if you want something so badly, and it doesn't happen, or you don't get it, how are you supposed to simply let go of it and move on when it was something you dedicated so much effort into achieving?

So I asked my all-knowing father about this, who understands Vedanta so clearly that it is common sense for him. The answer is in the attitude with which you pursue your goals, he explains. Most of us will create some desire for ourselves, and then follow the necessary steps towards obtaining our desire. For some of us, there will be a lot of agitation and anxiety throughout the process. For example, if we apply for a job, we will check our e-mails five times a day to see if we've received a reply, we will lose sleep at night thinking about if the outcome will be positive or negative, and if we don't get the job, there will be a lot of disappointment, sadness and defeat. Now imagine instead of being driven by the desire, you are driven by your duty. It could be your duty to provide for your family, your duty to help others, your duty to find your purpose, anything greater than your simple desire to make a lot of money or achieve fame. Then you become calmer throughout the process, and yet you are actually more efficient than before. And whatever the outcome is, there shouldn't be disappointment because you view the outcome as neither positive, nor negative, but simply the result.

Here is a helpful metaphor: imagine a spinning top (aka dradle). When the top is spinning slowly, you can see it rotating. This is how we are when driven by a desire. Now imagine the top is spinning extremely fast, so fast that it doesn't even look as though it's moving! That is what we should aspire to be like: we work so efficiently that it doesn't even seem like work. The mind is calm, but very efficient, and very alert.

Where does prayer fit into all of this? I'm not quite sure. Maybe there are rituals or prayers that can help you achieve your desires, who knows? But I think the point is that we need to learn how to live life without being attached to the results of our efforts. There are many rituals that are done not to achieve any material goals, but for the betterment of humanity, or to create an environment vibrating with energy. In these cases I would say that it helps bring us closer to our divine source. But maybe instead of spending all that energy praying and hoping that life turns out a certain way, we should focus some time on learning to accept whatever the outcome is, and following a path of righteousness.

Officially a Magister

2009-02-03T18:51:00.000-08:00

It's been two weeks since I returned from my graduation trip to Leicester, and I am still a bit jet-lagged and 'heart-lagged'. I was incredibly fortunate to spend time with all my friends again, but it was also very difficult to say goodbye. They are like family to me, and leaving them never feels quite right. Thankfully some of them are coming to Canada in June for two weeks and I am counting down the weeks!

Graduation was a very momentous occasion for me. I remember the summer before I left for Leicester, I had framed and mounted all of my highschool and university degrees on a wall in my room, leaving a space for my Master's. And now the wall finally feels complete. Of course it's not the degree itself that matters, but the hard work and dedication it represents. The ceremony was somewhat dissapointing, in terms of the speeches and procession, but having the opportunity to officially be awarded my degree was still special. Even though it was only about 5 degrees outside, Z and I took some pictures on campus. We also went for a celebratory dinner that evening with all of our friends at San Carlos, an Italian restaurant in town we used to frequent last year (for the delicious food and Italian waiters...).

We also made a day trip out to Leeds, where my friend Bindy is originally from. I've always been interested in doing my PhD at the university there as well, so it was nice to go and see where I may end up one day. Leeds is a city in Yorkshire, which is about 1.5 hours north of Leicester (and VERY north from London). In comparison to Leicester, it's also a few degrees colder, and many degrees nicer! Leeds is actually the third largest city in the UK in terms of population (after London and Birmingham), so it's become quite a commercial centre. I've never been a big fan of the busy city life, but there's something very traditional and charming about Leeds. Z actually put it well when she compared it to Montreal. The city centre is comprised of so many historical buildings - there's a very European aura there. I've always found London to be overwhelming for me - it's a nice place to visit and spend a weekend, but I think the city would swallow me up if I lived there. Leeds on the other hand is still a big city, but it's more intimate manageable. I think after visiting so many different cities and countries, I've developed a keen sense of knowing when I feel comfortable somewhere almost immediately. Leicester always felt 'right', and Leeds does too! Who knows, maybe sometime in the near future I'll move out to Leeds for a while (to the dismay of my parents!).

I mentioned in my last post that I'm teaching at a learning centre for kids these days, and it has been such a learning experience for me. The truth is, I probably learn just as much from my students as they learn from me! What I always find terribly ironic about this whole situation, is that I've never been very 'good' with children. I never know what to do with them, how to interact with them, I am completely missing that maternal gene all women are supposed to have. Somehow though, I enjoy teaching these kids! We always have something to discuss (their work) and it gives me such purpose to help them understand difficult concepts, or suggest ways to improve their work - at the end of the day, I feel like I've made a positive contribution. It's true, not all of them are darling little angels! Some actually try my patience quite a bit, and I welcome the challenge because it keeps me on my toes. Actually I've noticed that a lot of this younger generation is really zoned out! Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a ghost with these kids - their thoughts are completely elsewhere. But, like Eckhart Tolle suggests, I stay present for them, and hope that energy reaches them eventually too.

I'm going to end off here today, but I hope you all have a wonderful long weekend (I have a very special guest coming to visit me and I will tell you all about it next time!).

A new year, a new blog

2009-01-16T12:18:00.000-08:00

I was browsing through some of the posts from my old blog and realized how much I missed writing and sharing my experiences with everyone! Just because I'm not in England anymore, doesn't mean that there's nothing exciting to talk about. So I've decided to finally start a new blog this year. Welcome to all those reading this right now: family, friends, and even you noobies. And while I have your attention: Happy New Year!

Where did the title come from? Well it's one of my favourite literary devices to use: the Double Entendre. Divinity is actually the meaning of my name (which you will never find published online for anonymity reasons) and has also become a sort of online identity I use on other social networking sites (*cough* facebook *cough*). So in one sense, this blog acts as a guide on my life and the experiences that I encounter. Guidance On Divinity however, was also used in a play performed by children from the Satya Sai Baba centre in Leicester (where I completed my Master's last year - more on Sai Baba in future entries if you don't know who he is). The children referred to GOD as an acronym which stood for Guidance On Divinity. If you don't already know me, then I guess I should explain that I do try to maintain a spiritual connection on a daily basis. My view of God is one which stems from the Vedanta tradition within Hinduism (also currently a very popular viewpoint published through the lens of wonderful spiritual teachers like Eckhart Tolle and Wayne Dyer).

While I could write for pages on the philosophy of Vedanta, suffice it to say here that the essence of the teachings is based on the understanding that God is not a person or being outside of this universe. Rather, God is the collective source of all creation. Do I think I am God? Of course. But so are you, and so is my dog, and that little spider crawling on the wall right now...there is divinity in all of us. This blog will probably tend to focus on the experiences of this body named Divinity, but my point is that in writing about different people, places, situations, I am also writing about divinity in the sense of our collective divine being.

Maybe you share different beliefs. And I think that's wonderful! I hope you will keep visiting my blog and continue a discourse which exchanges ideas in an open and non-judgemental manner. What I love most is not to just write posts and have you read them, but to receive comments about your thoughts - especially ones that differ from mine - so that we can continue to learn from one another.

I know that a lot of the people who used to read my old blog will want to know what has happened between last August and now. And there have been A LOT of things going on. During my last week in Europe, my mom came to get me, and we went to London, Paris, Rome, Florence and Pisa. It was the most perfect mother-daughter reunion and I have so much to say about it in my next post (and many stunning pictures to show you!). When we came back, the whole family went to Cancun for a week, two weeks later we celebrated my older sister's engagement. Then the holidays somehow came and went like a bottle of Peardrax in a Trinidadian house (little bit of cultural humour there for the family!). I am still exploring employment and academic opportunities but in the mean time I work part-time as a teacher at the Oxford Learning Centre (which has given me some of the most adorably funny and rewarding experiences and I can't wait to share them with you). In a week I will be flying back to England to attend my graduation ceremony and to visit all my friends there!

Speaking of Leicester, I definitely feel the pangs of withdrawal every now and then. I do miss my walks in the park on the way to campus, and laughing with my friends over an extra-large Papa John's pizza. But I feel a terrible amount of excitement when I think about how vast my options are at the moment. The uncertainty of where my life is headed is something I've decided to embrace and enjoy while it lasts. Of course having a supportive family unit and lasting friendships is what allows me to actually be happy in my current circumstances. I hope you're looking forward to reading more from me, stay tuned!

Namaste - I honor the place in you, where we are one.